500 Ways to Summer

Okay, not 500 ways. But here are 500 divided by 16.667 ways to keep you occupied during 'til Claremont calls for your return. My list may be a bit unorthodox, a bit random perhaps, but give some of my tips a whirl... why not? This list is by no means complete-- feel free to tack on your own favorite pastimes of lazy, hazy summer.

1) Deny the friend request on Facebook you've been ignoring for months (or confirm, wait a day, then delete).

2) Give out hugs but charge 10 cents apiece (J. Lo's love might not cost a thing, but I ain't no cheap broad). Charge 50 cents if it's a creepy old man.

3) Visit an exotic country you've never been to before. If you're on a tight budget, just go to Canada... Montreal is the bee's knees.

4) Have a water balloon fight with your grade school nemesis.

5) Apply for social media marketing jobs so you have an excuse to be on Facebook and Twitter constantly.

6) Dress like a Jehovah's Witness, go door-to-door, and pass out soundtracks to the The Book of Mormon musical (written by the co-creators of South Park).

7) Find a couple kids with a lemonade stand. Offer to be their agent. Social Network their asses and take the majority of the profit.

8) Host a Slutty Harry Potter theme party.

9) Go on a family vacation. Invite the awkward uncle that nobody likes.

10) Go to Taco Bell.

11) Try to bring back Farmville.

12) Reenact the Atonement library scene in a public library.

13) Petition to change the sign that says "Slow Children Crossing" to "Slow!!!!!!!! ... Children Crossing."  Who thinks mobs of angry, PC-obsessed moms deserve CHANGE!

14) Egg the Commies.

15) Go to a dumpster, pick up a copy of Twilight, and highlight the 282 times Stephenie Meyer uses the adjective "perfect" to describe the cold and clammy Edward. (Side note: if there is no blood running through his veins, how does he get erections? Get at me if you know the answer.)

16) Reactivate your old Myspace. Catch a predator.

17) Stay inside. Not only are you avoiding injuries that only jocks and active people would get, but you're also avoiding skin cancer.

18) Start a blog. Be as offensive as possible.

19) Nab a pair of Uggs from Goodwill. Feel bad, bring it back, and take a pair of Bearpaws instead.

20) Feed the birds.

21) Go to a Maroon 5 concert. Buy yourself an ice cream afterward as a reward for not getting trampled on by rabid teen girl groupies.

22) Mess with the 'rents: bake them special brownies for dessert, video record the aftermath, and blackmail them to buy you that iPad you've always wanted and never needed.

23) Babysit your neighbor's kid. Not Justin Bieber, the other one.

24) Stalk a reality star for a week (camp outside his/her house, take pictures of him/her at the beach, etc.) to make him/her feel like an actual celebrity.

25) Watch the Bruno Mars' "Lazy Song" music video on repeat. But don't learn the choreography, which is far more complicated than the title suggests.

26) Place a bet with your friends to see whether people cared more about Michael Jackson's or Heath Ledger's death.  Scour the Net for statistics.

27) Teach someone on the street how to Dougie.

28) Teach someone on the street how to Snuggie.

29) Stand on the side of the road and hold up a sign that says "HONK IF OSAMA IS DEAD"

30) Pour your heart out in a letter to a childhood friend that you haven't spoken to in years. Include pictures of your family, pets, and significant other. Go in depth with your battle with body odor and ablutophobia. Send it to a random address. Wait for their letter (if they have a conscience, they'll respond to tell you that you got the wrong address). Now you have a new pen pal!

If you go through this list and still need something to do... well, props to you, man. You can try to solve climate change. That should keep you occupied.

 

Enjoy this article? You may also be interested in Anna's other witty contributions: Invasion of the Hip$ters and Rebecca Black's Amazing Success.

Anna's also written more serious pieces on CMC's Potential Semester in SiliconValley, Pomona's Move to Ditch Flex Dollars and Pitzer's $31 million construction plans.