OMG, How Was Your Break!?
Have you prepared a summary of what you are going to tell people when they ask how your break was? Here are four lame responses I expect to hear:
- “It was good, how was yours?”
- “It was really nice to see my family and friends.”
- “It was soooooo relaxing.”
- “My family and I went to (insert London, the Caymans, Aspen, et al.) and it was a absolutely awesome.
If these are your planned responses, spare me-- I won’t bother to ask about your break. I know conversations in passing can’t always be as thorough as your experiences deserve, but lord, relay some information that doesn’t make me want perform Chinese water torture on myself. If anything, make a story up. Or delve into your strange family dynamics and pull out a fragment of truth that can be both amusing and brief. So I don’t cut you with the dragon handle dagger my mom got me for Kwanzaa. It’s fucking sweet.
Do you understand what I am saying? No? Here are some things to say that won’t make my life feel as stale as the box of Nilla Wafers your dementia-ridden aunt-in-law thought you would like for Christmas. Some of these are based on my family experiences, others pulled out o' me buttocks. Oh and I gave them titles. Suck on that, title haters.
The Nebraskan: I watched the entire discography of Seinfeld and gained 15 pounds. Laugh tracks and fried mayonnaise balls are a bad combination.
The Mac: I played Apples to Apples as a drinking game. You can put Helen Keller down for anything and it’s funny. (Wordplay/pun cross-action, if you are the first to identify what this means I'll give you a free Charles Johnson tee).
The Homewrecker: It was the first time I drank with my parents and I went shot for shot with my mom until she had alcohol poisoning. We spent New Year’s Eve in the hospital. Wear it, mom.
The Mudder Clause: My boyfriend got me an electric toothbrush for Christmas. We’re not together anymore.
The Banjo Baker: I watched my uncle taser a raccoon. It was funny until I got the pelt for Christmas. I hate Arkansas.
The Mood Ring: I Just chilled in Idaho with a couple friends, all my family has died of scurvy.
The Colorado Killer: I slept with Greg Oden and…well…my pregnancy tests are negative. I’m contemplating rape charges. Girls gotta eat, right?
And, I’m Old: You know that song by The Moldy Peaches when Dawson says, "You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants?’ My grandpa does that on the reg. And it’s not like he’s senile, he thinks it’s hilarious. When people call him out, he sticks his tongue in his cheek and does blow job impressions. Perv.
So you got it, right? I just set the standard. Be weird! Lose friends to your vulgarity! Come up with more and post them in the comment section. Titles I wish someone would elaborate on: The Charlie Jo, The Skinny Squirrel, maybe something like The Beaumont Heidrich. I dunno, it’s not like you’re doing anything yet, make me smile.