Dear A Mitch: Pay Me Back! Orally

Dear A Mitch,

I have struggled for a long time with money and friends. I like to be generous and expect the give and take, but there are just some people that just don't get mooching or the concept of splitting a case of beer. What should I do or how do I handle these situations? It makes me uneasy and upset, but at the same time it does seem trivial. I mean should I really lose respect for someone over a slice of pizza or end a friendship over five bucks?

No, you shouldn’t, because you should have already murdered them. For some, death is the only way they’ll ever get it. I’d like to introduce you to my mafia tactics, friend. I hope those beers were worth your fingers. But that is only if you have the stomach for murder. You may also consider that prison probably doesn’t serve beer or pizza. Is that irony? Could be. Okay, no killing.

What I think you are encountering is a classic case of the boy who cried, “I’ll pay you back.” Annoying, yes, however, easily remedied. Like Lady Guadalupe once said, get up - stand up, stand up for your rights! You need to take control of the situation. And that doesn’t mean you have to be a douchey bill collector about it. Actually, if you can, and if the tab is within reason, try to forget about what they already owe you. Asking for eight bucks on that 6:01 Keystone thirty-bomb is only going to exacerbate the tension. Put it next to the parking ticket you still haven’t paid. The Bauer lot is just not logical! Calm down, let’s focus on the future.

Next time you are going in on something together don’t beat around the bush. Say, “hey man, you owe me $10 for the Captain. I need it by Sunday.” Or even better: “I am going to pick up some booze. If you want to drink with me, I need money.” Regardless, this means nothing to some people. Whether they grew up penny pinching or are so over-privileged they have no concept of what ten dollars means to middle class folk with petite allowances, you’re not getting you money. And that sucks because now you have to say, “No you cannot have a beer, you can have one shot -- because you are my friend. Sorry, I love you man, but you gotta put up because I’m taking a hit every time we drink. Or every time we eat. Or every time I buy laundry detergent.” If he gets mad when you confront him, tell him to fuck himself, you are not his sugar daddy. You’re mine.

Final point: Being hospitable and sharing is always the way to go, but not if it is perpetually one-sided. If someone doesn’t respect you enough to pay you the money they owe you, you shouldn’t be friends with them.

Sincerely,

A Mitch

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Dear A Mitch,

My boyfriend will not go down on me to save his life. I try to make him happy and he never returns the favor. He is a really good guy all around except for his selfishness in the bedroom. I’m afraid to ask him to because I don’t want the awkward tension. Is this normal? Should I even care?

MY LADY!

Let’s talk about sex! Oral sex. Oh baby.

Oral sex is natural. Like trees. And Antarctica. It gets a bad rap because somewhere throughout history sexual organs were characterized as filthy, dirty, nonos. These are outdated social conventions for most, yet oral play can be a challenge difficult to meet head on.

Before we talk about why your boyfriend neglects practicing his cunninglinguisism, let’s talk about your biggest issue, which is not your boyfriend’s stinginess. I think the real problem is your fear to speak honestly with him about your feelings. Even if it is not a huge deal, addressing your concerns is important. Communication lubricates all relationships. Obviously it is bothering you enough to ask me. Maybe you should ask yourself why you trust me with this question more than the individual you are so close to?

As far as the sex… The righteous lover will say one should return the pleasure. Put your mouth onto me as I do onto you. In most situations this statement makes sense because he or she is lazy and would rather get down to business instead of intimately progressing.

When you talk to him, you’ll get a sense of where he stands on the subject. If he says, “I don’t know why, I just don’t,” let him know how much it turns you on when you think about the toe-curling titillating tingle of intense pleasure. It might not take too much persuading to stimulate his interest

It’s also possible he has never done the daring deed and is merely nervous to expose his own shortcomings. Lady parts for many are kind of like math for Pitzer students: a mysterious maze. So help him out. Tell him, “Hey babe, you’re like a light-year off right now, try this spot here.” Direct him to what some call, the “clitoris.” Then you can thank him for reminding you how to scream. Or bite your lip… it’s too hot to close the windows.

Yet sometimes there is nothing you can do; inequality is an unfortunate reality. Yes, it feels phenomenal, understood. How could you not, right? But if it doesn’t work for your partner, it doesn’t work for your relationship. For the same reason you don’t like broccoli, your boy may not like… you know, licking vagina. Some guys think it’s gross, plain and simple. Babies come out of there. Eww. Why is that somewhere I want to put my mouth? You can say whatever you want about what is fair, but you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do and expect to maintain a healthy relationship. And that sucks. Not literally. For you at least.

If anything, talk. Don’t cut his head off anticipating beneficial change (like blowjobs, not beheading). Us men, we’re not mind readers. If you really can’t handle discussing it, give him a subtle clue by taking him to The Female Orgasm Talk tonight at Scripps. Maybe he’ll catch a hint. If all else fails my buddy Mattie Rich has a tongue longer than your Thursday night seminar. He’s tired of being under appreciated.

Sincerely,

A Mitch