Dear A Mitch: WOA Now!

Dear A Mitch, I am a freshman and I recently went on one of the WOA trips. I love all the people I met, and I think I made some true friends. I am writing because one of our leaders, to be unnamed of course, probably needs to be my future husband. Okay not actually, but I have a big crush on him. I didn’t really know how to approach him on the trip, though it probably wouldn’t have been inappropriate for me to do that anyway. He is obviously a bit older than I, something I don’t find too problematic. Others (my friends) however, think I should just keep him as a friend because he’s older and has been somewhat of a counselor to us. I am not quite sure what to do on this one, apparently you’re the one to ask?

Young Woman,

Although I do have experience with older men (e.g. Portland Mayor Sam Adams), I don’t think throwing yourself at your WOA leader for political power is the route you want to take. Stay off the news! You may not know this, but I’d estimate, say, 91.3% of men in the US don’t truly care how old you are. And at CMC, or any college, one usually doesn’t have to worry about whether you legally bought those cigarettes in the black and pink box of marketing genius. We’re talking an age range of 18-23 years old- more like 18 and 20 for you. This doesn’t mean that age is a non-issue in relationships, just this: At CMC, qualities that supposedly develop with age, like maturity, are not always positively correlated. Truthfully, CMC can probably go ahead and take that conjecture out of the scrutiny box. Have you met Tom (last name omitted in conjunction with copyright laws)? Kid blacks out more frequently than Dora mugs folks in the dinner line.

As far as figuring out if this guy has any interest in you, well, it sounds like you already have a plan for that. If I were to make a suggestion, it would to be to take charge of the circumstance. You could ask this stag to go somewhere with friends, or maybe meet him for a one-on-one coffee date at the Motley? It will show him that you are old enough to handle taking the lead- Maturity, bang! Plus, confident women are sexy. If you don’t agree I’ll introduce you to Allison Lockscrub.

One more thing (and I hate to stereotype), but I’m fairly certain females have some genetic power inside of them that makes it really easy for them to get positive attention from men, at will. Not sure where you mix up that potion. Maybe in the colon? Because I am also pretty sure women don’t poop. How are you so discreet!? So, you know, that is always an option.


A Mitch

Dear A Mitch,

As I am sure you know, there are a lot of buff, good-looking guys on campus. For girls, this couldn’t be better. For me, this poses a problem for my nerdy, much less strong, tan, and athletic self. Seriously every party I went to last year ended up with me losing the girl I was dancing with to some plastered meathead. I heated up the oven and they ate the cake. What the fuck?


OH, I KNOW! And I am sorry for your losses, but are you upset because more attractive men are swooping up all the sexy ladies at dance parties? That’s like getting frustrated with Jimmy because he picked you last in dodgeball. People go with the best available. Would you upgrade your phone service for free? Only if daddy says okay? Daddy would if the only obstacle in his way was turning 180 degrees to some other guy’s gyrating crotch. Daddy might think that is gay but I don’t think he understands the analogy. I hope you do.

Look, super attractive guys have it easier. So now what? You gotta get over it and come up with your own ways of bettering your chances. See, Jimmy might not pick you last if you were a good friend of his. Or even if he knew you were an awesome guy, that might put you a head above the cannon-armed, personality-deprived dickface. Point is, the best way for you to get play is to establish relationships with the ladies-- assuming a hook up is your ultimate goal.

You need to get a girl interested in you before the weekend. Establish a playful connection with a lady you might like sharing kissies with. When I say playful, I mean taking it easy, friendliness. Rock a smile and tell her how you’re gonna drop it like it’s hot on Saturday night and she needs to be around to get broken off. She’ll say, “Oh is that so!?" Then you say, in your driest voice, “Yeah, and I apologize ahead of time for any embarrassment you may feel.”  BOOM-- when you see her that weekend on the dance floor you’ll have a connection-- something that cuts out the awkwardness of approaching a woman and dry humping to Lady Gaga.

And yet, you may still be traded in for a newer, more attractive model. Luckily, drunken, clothed sex is not the only way to find good girls. Maybe you should try the Friday-night-not-going-out-but-still-going-to-chill type of kick-it session. Maybe the after-class-tea-time game, where you can spit knowledge about your extracurricular activities while the athletes are all at practice. Or you could just start working out. In the sun. For maximum results, I suggest you do this.


A Mitch