Dear A Mitch: CMC Men... Go to Work

Dear Alex Mitchell,I have a question for you, “A Mitch.” Why are all CMC guys assholes? How can such a fine academic institution like CMC bring in so many chauvinistic douche bags?

Angry lady, See, before a male can be admitted into CMC, he has to pass a douche test. I’ve located a few exam questions... 14.) How do you view women in society? Best answer: I say outwardly that I respect them and they are equal, yet my actions say otherwise. I can probably do better than a woman at everything but cooking, menstruating, and giving blowjobs.

56.) If you could be any animal what would you be? Best Answer: A dolphin and horse mix. I would be the smartest, most well endowed animal in the world. I would trick mad animals into getting with me.

douchebagMy lady, you are stereotyping a mighty large group of individuals here. I’d like to try and work out why you might feel this way, because it is not the first time I have heard women ragging on CMC guys for being bags of feminine hygiene.

When do you come to CMC? I’m guessing it is around party times, TNC maybe? One thing I know about drinking is it loosens the mind and blurs the consequences of what we say and do. If your perception of CMC guys is seeded in drunken conversations, you are getting a skewed version of a lot of men. People say things they don’t mean when they are wasted. I am not justifying this, but if our relationships were based on each others’ drunken personalities we would probably hate each other for the intoxicated thoughts we let slip between cup 8 and Sunday morning. My advice: Meet some sober chiefs at CMC.

As I’m sure you have noticed there is an abnormally high proportion of good looking men at CMC. The problem is, a lot of girls put up with more when you’re a fine mamma-jamma. So my theory is this: There is a positive correlation between attractiveness and d-bagginess. By no means is this correlation significant at a .05 (get ‘em Prof. Levin). My favorite exception, Moose Halpern. My advice: Don’t give those pretty boys any slack. Let them know that messing around on you is like playing bite each other with a saber-toothed liger.

Look, I have no doubt your reasons for disliking CMC guys are grounded. Bad experiences can transform our views on anything, but to say that all CMC guys are chauvinistic douche bags is kind of like saying Scripps girls are all over-privileged 69ers, or that Pitzer students are only good for smoking and taking bullshit classes. Is that fair? I don’t feel like it is. If anything, come chill with my dude Seth and me. We’ll change your mind quicker than you stop laughing at racist jokes when you realize there is minority present.

Sincerely, A Mitch

Dear A Mitch, I start work in one month. Some are freaking out about finals and all I can think about is the fact that I will be getting up at 7am five days a week starting June 15th. Every time I think about this glaring change in my life I feel nauseous. This is nothing like my internships, it is my career. I am starting my career and I can barely stomach it. Shouldn’t this be exciting?

Oh Honeybunch, Change can be scary. I imagine graduating is kind of like your girl telling you her period is late. Chances are everything is going to be alright, but there is a small chance that your life is going to flipped upside down. Truth is, it is uncertainty that scares us the most. Will you like your job? Will it be hard? Will your co-workers accept you? Will you ever see your college friends again? Answers untold these are, but how lame would life be if we knew everything was going to pan out smoothly? That would be worse than the time you smoked oregano at Jane’s in 7th grade. “Being high is not as cool as Tommy says.”

Sometimes when we are scared to do something we focus on all the potentially negative things that could happen. Try to think about the good things that may occur. I don’t know if you’ve ever moved or transferred schools, but you definitely changed environments when you came to CMC. Do you remember the feeling? It may have been nerve wracking to leave your world behind, yet in doing so, you had the opportunity to redefine yourself; to be who ever you wanted. How liberating a feeling is it to be relieved of all those opinions? You get to mold the minds of others in the way you love to do, or in a new interesting way you have always wanted. Goodbye girl-who-holds-the-record-for-most-consecutive-random-weekend-hookups, hello sassy-pants-I’ll-pick-you-up-in-in-my-Lexus-and-make-you-like-me-more-than-little-girls-like-Twilight-before-I-let-you-know-dinner-is-not-a-precursor-to-my-body-so-you-better-up-your-game.

I don’t want to lie and say that after college life will be way cooler than CMC. I mean, not many live in an environment as fresh to death as Claremont is. The norm of CMC is going be tough to beat, but this doesn’t mean everything will be anticlimactic. What about these post-college opportunities: Office romance = Hot. Pets = Awesome. Extra dollaz to spend on velour = Unnecessarily fresh. Real Dates = groundbreaking for most. And never forget, you are accomplishing something amazing. You are graduating from one of the top colleges in the nation. Anyone who doesn’t respect that is a bigger wanker than Brian Fellow. That bird is crazy.

Sincerely, A Mitch