Dear A Mitch: Get Your Decision On

Dear A Mitch, So I’ve been looking at this girl lately and picking up some serious vibes.  She’s really cool, good looking, and we have a great connection, seems like there shouldn’t be a problem and I should pursue her.  Problem is she used to date this huge douchebag who I hate, and every time I think about making a move not only am I grossed out by the fact that she used to fuck this guy, I can’t help feeling ashamed thinking about what he would say if I started to date her.  I’m not sure what to do about it.

Son, When someone has the power to affect your decision making in life, they have power over you. You found a great girl and this d bag is ruining it for you, but only because you are letting him. Put this guy on one side of the scale and the girl on the other. Which means more to you? The cool, good-looking girl, hopefully. If this is the case, grant yourself the ability to say, “Dear mental image of these two screwing, I’d like you to go fuck yourself, please.” Seems easy, sure, but understandably, this is more difficult than it sounds.

Look, people make bad hookup decisions, and it is not fair that those decisions be ingrained on who they are. This girl probably felt similar to those dumb asses after they taunted a Siberian Tiger. “Yeah man, that was a bad idea.” She was probably just going off what she saw at first thought of the guy. Skeezes often have game and it’s not until a little later that you know their true level of skeeziness. In reality, skeezes are like infinite free pudding. Initially it seems like it might be a good idea, but when you are 400 lbs and hate yourself, you wish you never even took that first bite of Tapioca. But what do we do with mistakes? Learn from them!!! Thanks dad.

And really, what is he going to say? “Ohh, you suck, yeah I hit that, how are my sloppy seconds?” Then you say, “Delicious, now we both have herpes.” Or how about, “Pretty swell, but your baby keeps getting in the way. Hope that econ degree works out for you because I’m going to love living off your child support.”

Moral of the story: never let a punk ass stop you from anything. Sincerely, - A Mitch

Dear A Mitch, My girlfriend of almost one year is going to be interning abroad this summer, while I’ll be in LA. She wants to have an open relationship over the summer, which basically means she wants to hook up with other guys. I’m not opposed to hooking up with other girls, but I can’t stand the thought of her sleeping with another guy. Should I tell her no?

Capt. Dubstan, If I were going to give one piece of advice in my lifetime, it would be to never pick a fight with an ostrich. They are much fiercer than you think. If I were going to give two pieces of advice, I would say never expect open relationships to end in a good way. The problem is, sexual jealousy is something that invokes an insane amount anger and pain in people. A man can be fired, beat up, embarrassed, but knowing the woman he cares the most about is being tickled by some prick is what truly makes his insides boil. Sexual jealousy is so powerful that it can nix relationships in a matter of seconds. Knowing this, maybe you should discuss a little further what both of you want.

A question you might ask is, are you thinking this relationship is something serious that could last, or are you simply enjoying getting laid every night? There’s nothing wrong with either, you just might want to second guess opening your relationship to an array of wangs and vagines if you think this could be going somewhere. Because being okay with each other through that jealousy may be harder than the pounding she’ll be receiving this summer. If that sentence makes you want to punch a hole in the wall, you’ll never make it through an open relationship. At this point you say with feeling and frankness, “Hey sugar baby, let me share some feelings. You can either be with me or not, because I don’t think I can handle an open relationship.” Shabooyah, ultimatum.

If perhaps you think you can suck it up and handle the fact that she has been with another guy, good for you. Enjoy your summer freedom. But when you and your boo reunite, either agree not to talk about it, or be honest about everything. Lying about who or how many girls you hooked up with is like farting on geese, eventually one off those motha fletchas is going to bite yo ass. Sincerely, -A Mitch