Dear A Mitch: Spring Break and Play

spring-breakDear A Mitch, Spring break is coming up and I am visiting friends for the week. My girlfriend is going on a cruise to Mexico. I believe her when she says she isn’t going to hook up with anyone, but I have some serious trust issues. There are going to be a lot of CMCers on this cruise, and I’m scared she is going to really embarrass me. Not to mention Mexico is somewhere I think she shouldn’t be going right now with the surge in murders and kidnappings.

My Man,

Ah, the Ensenada, Los Cabos Mexican spring break cruise? Well I’m going on that so I can watch her for you. I usually charge $100 a day for stalking but I’ll do it for $80. If she’s fit.

On the real, I think you have to ask yourself where these trust issues come from. Has she wronged you? Seriously embarrassed you in the past? Or is she just a flirtatious lady who enjoys the attention of making other people smile? Or is it that you don’t trust yourself to stay faithful and are displacing your potential infidelity on her? I don’t know the answers to these questions, yet I do know that regardless of why you feel this way, in no possible situation can this help your relationship.

Being in a relationship with trust issues is like buying shoes that are too small. You’ll never be comfortable unless you cut off your toes, and eventually you have to do what’s best, buy some shoes that fit. However it is possible to walk barefoot, exposing yourself to an open road. Treat your trust issues like the Cowboys did TO. Because honestly, letting jealousy eat you up is pointless. You can be obsessive about what your girl could hypothetically be doing with another guy, or you can chill, knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. If she’s going to cheat, why do you want to be with her anyway? Relieve your stress. Ask her to be faithful, and drop it. Just hope she doesn’t run into my cruisemate, Austin Soldner.

As for the hostility in Mexico, I don’t think the port visits last too long. No doubt there is risk in meandering around Mexico, but she’ll be with a huge group of friends. Plus I’ll be around to cry us out of any real trouble.


A Mitch

Dear A Mitch,

I struggle hugely. I cannot seem to get any play. I swear I am not a bad looking guy and I have a little class. It always seems like I’m on the right track, but then I blackout. I need sober game.


Sober Game Note #1: Don’t get so fucked up you lose all the progress you made when you were sober. Drunk hook-ups can be the A plus, but most girls, even the drunkest, have at least a fraction of sense when it comes to hooking up with a guy who is wearing it harder than Killa Cam Cain’s first Calculus midterm. Is 8% good?

Sober Game Note # 2: Be a classy man. Yes it’s true some girls like bad boys. If that’s not you’re forte though, show her good intentions and amiability. Guys depend on all different qualities to get them girls: their strapping calves, their knowledge of geography, the sobriety of prey, their rapping skills, their awards for excellence in conservative journalism, GHB, but what falls between the cracks is simply the words and gestures of a classy man. Classy men do this: they hold the door and compliment a girl on the most specific thing identifiable. Like a hairdo. Or a ring. Maybe her fly ass purse? And smile while doing it, show a genuine interest.

Sober Game Note # 3: I know you’ve heard this, debes pedir preguntas! But specific questions. Not, “how’s school,” or “Did I see you last night? Yeah I blacked out too!” Try something like, “Hey Barbara, I got a question for you. Would you rather be a hippo or an eagle? Cause think about it, if you were a hippo you could just be fat, happy and lie around all day occasionally getting down. But if you were an eagle you could fly, so dope, AND you would have the respect of the entire US. No play for eagles though. What do you think?” If she thinks you’re weird for this, fuck it, she probably prefers Sagecock.

Sober Game Note # 4:  Like Seth Rogan once said, you have to plant seeds. Most of your seeds will probably be eaten by rabbits, but with tender care, the plant you spend quality, non-pressured time with should be the plant that feeds you. Let that aloe vera enrich your skin.

One last note: girls talk. So trying to skeez on a different girl every weekend gives you that GM stock. What you want is that chicken stock (always satisfying), attained by going after your rosebud whom needs some sun. Get bloomed on chief.


A Mitch