A Natural Proposal

FOR PREVENTING THE AUEN, CLAREMONT, AND FAWCETT DORMITORIES FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THE ENVIRONMENT AND FOR INCLUDING IN THEM INCREASED COMFORT FOR THE STUDENTS

It is with great regret that I observe the lack of environmental consideration in the dorms newly renovated and constructed. The carbon footprint is akin to that of Big Foot. One cannot help but gaze up at the towers and see evil reflected in the windows.

My proposal can easily eliminate the atrocities of said dormitories. It has come to my attention that the construction of small huts on Parent’s Field will prevent the unnecessary travesties that currently befall our environment. Such housing will not only be green, but also give the campus a fresh, new look. This is something for which the administration clearly yearns.

In the current rooming situation, residents are allowed to shower daily. While one can certainly appreciate the removal of all hot water in an attempt to save energy – this is just not enough. Students stand under the tepid water for minutes at a time before they flee to their rooms seeking warmth. Gallons upon gallons of freezing water go to waste simply in an effort to maintain hygiene. The hut solution allows for no such frivolity. Showers are to be had only when the sprinklers turn on at arbitrary times. With due time CMCers will learn to live with student body odor.

Another indulgence is even more prevalent than before renovations. Each room is now able to control its own heating and cooling. By my calculations this is perhaps the gravest issue of all. When a student turns on the air conditioning, he wastes enormous energy in a vain attempt to cool the space. However, heating is no better, as this only adds to the problem of global warming. Huts do not alleviate this issue but eliminate it entirely. Those who seek warmth shall inhabit those huts in the sun, while others seek those in the shade. Upon nightfall to produce desired, controlled heat, one can simply burn the hut that belongs to the least popular of the group. I am told that the flame produces far less problem than any heating unit. 

It is a nice idea to provide the dorms with energy-saving lighting. However, even this is too much. If students turn the lights on and strain, they can almost read in their rooms. The study lounge is nearly conducive to work. It is apparent to me that candles are just as effective sources of light. This solution even solves the problem of procrastination, as the last minute workers must complete homework before sunset.

I reckon the proposition of huts will solve not only the problem of global warming. Sexiling will certainly not be an issue for the hut-dweller. Should he find his space occupied, he merely gathers a few sticks and sets up camp elsewhere. It is truly a solution that will benefit the campus wholly.

There is certainly no better way to solve this environmental quagmire. Let the administration speak naught about reducing the waste from the number of buildings that they tear down only to rebuild again. The burden of environmentalism rests only on the shoulders of students. 

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