BREAKING NEWS: CMC TO IMPLEMENT LAUNDRY PROGRAM

According to Associate Dean of Students John Markos, CMC plans to offer free weekly laundry service to all students starting next fall, and will make an announcement via press release and e-mail on Wednesday, April 2nd. The program is intended to reduce the school's emissions (part of the 5C commitment to go "green") and allow students to spend more time studying and less time worrying about chores like laundry. Although laundry programs are rare at schools like CMC, other schools, including Davidson College, have already implemented them successfully. "Now, students must scour for quarters and drag their laundry to a machine that is sometimes far away and is often inconvenient, in use, or broken," says Markos. "This program will allow for a centralized laundry facility that students may use at their convenience." The centralized laundry facility will be located in the basement of McKenna Auditorium.

In an interview today, Markos explained the details of the program. Basically, the program will be provided at a rate about the same as what students would pay to do their own laundry in the dorm machines. This pricing is possible via the economies of scale the school hopes to achieve by having at least 1000 students use the service, which will be compulsory. The price, which has yet to be disclosed, will be included as part of a student fee and will be heavily subsidized by the school in its first year.

Due to the size of loads expected from students, each residence hall will be given a day of the week on which they are allowed to submit their laundry. A "dumpster-like enclosure" will be placed outside that dorm on the day the laundry is being collected for students to drop their laundry bags, says Markos.

While some students are worried the program will contribute to CMC's reputation as "Club Med College," a place where students don't work very hard, others hail the decision as revolutionary and expect other schools to follow suit.

Michael Chang '11 is ecstatic about the initiative and believes it will be a positive aspect of the school. "Anything that gives me more time to study and frees up extra time is fine by me. I'd rather be spending that time relaxing and playing Super Smash Brawl than doing laundry!"

Of course, the plan is not without its critics.

Katie Morehart '10 believes the plan may actually increase emissions rather than help the environment. "CMC students need a chance to inspect this plan and give feedback to the administration before rash decisions are made. CMC won the 5C Energy Challenge because we care about the environment and are willing to make sacrifices." Morehart also emphasizes the importance of oversight by independent committees at CMC.

According to Markos, the plan may initially have its critics, but hopes students will find it convenient and helpful in the end. "We are not only helping students here, we are adding a service that will boost our standing as a school that provides for its students, reduce stress on campus, and stand by our commitment to reduce emissions."

(April Fools)