The plan?  Deck the North Dorm courtyard out like the lair of a mad scientist.  With a host of science themed decorations and music provided by perennial favorite DJ, Mixed Reactions, the Mudd Goes Madd Party is slated for this Saturday evening.  But an event of this caliber doesn’t simply invent itself.  For that, much of the task fell to Harvey Mudd freshman Julius Elinson, who along with Jonathan Schwartz and a score of friends navigated the hassles of bureaucracy and fundraising to bring the plan to fruition.

“Mad scientists. It felt so right,” said Elinson, “It was surprising we hadn’t already done something like this.”

Mudders hard at work in preparation for the party. Photo credit: Daniel Crowley

The challenges of preparation can be hard for the uninitiated to appreciate.   Elinson began taking care of the laborious process required to hold an event this elaborate early in December.  There were several stages to the ordeal, beginning with budgeting.  Funds were needed to pay for alcohol, decorations, and music.  The social board had to grant approval, and then came the waiting.  As the 5C student governments gave funding to the event, Elinson had to be patient as his proposals were slowly accepted by all 5 colleges.  ”At Pitzer, I went to three different groups, there was some miscommunication, and I wound up having to go back a second or third time,” he explained, adding that all colleges contributed to the party funding, though some schools were more generous than others.

To help cover the cost of the party, Elinson and his co-conspirators also sold condoms in custom-designed wrappers at the Hoch-Shanahan Dining Hall at Harvey Mudd.  Available in a variety of bundles, the condoms have been wildly successful.  ”The general idea is t-shirts and shot glasses [at most parties], but we thought, ‘What’s cooler than a custom condom?’” said Elinson, who touted the merchandise as both humorous and useful.

The turnout could be fantastically high, with over 1100 students RSVPing as attending on the Facebook event and the party will occur regardless of weather, as the students have plans to cover the courtyard in the case of rain.  It’s comforting to know that regardless of what happens come Saturday night, the Mudders have made arrangements to keep us protected.

As usual, campus security was riding around in golf carts, sprinklers were watering the grass and sidewalks, and sketchy black cats were scurrying through the bushes by the Athenaeum and Heggblade. The weather was 65 degrees and sunny by day and as cold as 40 degrees at night. And it was really, really quiet.

On Saturday around 5 PM, a few stranded East Coasters at the senior apartments grilled chicken and steaks, played Beirut, and blasted really loud music. Nobody complained.

As our freedoms reached the peak levels of our college years and we started making some poor choices, we thought, what if more people were here? What if instead of a couple dozen students who have no choice but to be here, 1200 CMCers stayed on campus for a day or two before going home?

Unfortunately, CMC closes all residence halls at 8 PM on the Friday at the end of finals week. My guess is it would be expensive to keep the dorms open an extra day — energy costs, liability insurance, cleanup costs, etc. would all add up. I think it’s worth it. Dorms should stay open until Sunday at 8 PM, not Friday at 8 PM.  And here’s what we could do with the extra time:

An All-Campus Game of Capture the Flag

Each dorm puts their flag in their main lounge (or dunk hoops) and receives a target.  If you capture a dorm’s flag, they are out of the game and your dorm gets that dorm’s target.  Every student is equipped with either laser tag guns, paintball guns, nerf guns, or water guns.  Obviously, each potential weapon has its trade-offs and would need to be laboriously debated at the Athenaeum before any decision is made.  There might be problems with 1,000+ students running around campus with fake automatic weapons, but let’s ignore that for now. Other possibility: North Quad vs South Quad.  Blowout After-party: Senior Apartments.

A Community Service Project/Day

I don’t really know what this would entail, but I’m sure we could figure it out.  Some companies have a policy that requires employees to take a day off from work to do community service.  Some companies do it together and all on one day — that’s the idea here, but with CMCers instead of a company. Instead of the townies coming to us, we’ll go to them for once. Blowout after-party: Scripps Pool.

Color Wars

If you went to camp, you know what this is. If you didn’t, read here. Dean Deb Wood will not be happy about this one; I doubt she went to camp. Blowout after-party: Green Beach.

Ski Beach Day

This year, the weather was perfect on the Saturday in question. It was 80 degrees and sunny mid-day. We would take buses up to Mt. Baldy, ski, then go to the beach. We’d probably have freshmen and sophomores go to the beach, then ski, and vice versa for seniors and juniors. Maybe we’d meet in the middle and rent out some huge restaurant/hall in LA for lunch for everyone. Pomona does this to a lesser extent already, why don’t we? Blowout after-party: Mt. Baldy

Camp-Out on Green Beach

We get like 500 tents and put them all over Parents Field in a circle. In the middle, we build a giant bonfire (the environment be damned). At midnight, everyone gathers around in pajamas and passes around a megaphone, giving toasts to the semester and throwing in symbolic pieces of the semester (my Business Law textbook, for example) into the flames. In between some of the tents, we’d have fires for marshmallows, etc. Blowout after-party: Parents Field

The Longest Boat Race in the History of Claremont McKenna College and the Entire World and the Galaxy and the Universe

From the Senior Apartments to President Gann’s front doorstep. It’s an idea that’s been thrown around a lot… let’s do it. Blowout after-party: Pam Gann’s Backyard

Runners-up: Huge snowball fight, carnival day, Joshua Tree trip, Mock Wedding, Hula Hoop Day, Rodeo Day, Catalina wine mixer, Cross the Border Day (AKA Tijuana Day), Dig a Tunnel to Scripps Day, Hug a Townie Day

Sure, institutional changes don’t happen overnight, and they don’t happen easily. Usually it takes a $200 million gift or a 25 percent decline in our endowment for things to change. Regardless, I’m graduating in the spring and plan on enjoying senior week while you all take finals. But if I were a younger man, I might fight for the right to capture the flag.

After reading Carl Peaslee’s editorial on the dangers of playing CMC’s official sport, Beirut (or Beer Pong to those ignorant enough to think that BeerPong is not supposed to be played with four ping-pong paddles and four cups on each corner of a table), I was not phased… sorry, Carl. The story did, however, prompt me to begin thinking about the less flavorful but still very drinkable light beers that we go out and purchase to play Beirut. Keystone Light, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Natural Light are among the multitude of light beers that we use in drinking games because (a) each has about 5% alcohol and (b) light–>less filling–>more room for more beer.

With rhetoric running through my head about how Keystone is really not that different from Coors and how each student around the 5Cs seems to have an opinion on whether or not they like one of the aforementioned beers and why, I felt that a groundbreaking Thursday Night Catechization was merited.

The Beers: Miller Lite, Keystone Light, Bud Light, Coors Light and Natural Light

The Setup: 5 unmarked SOLO cups with a quantity of beer roughly equivalent to that used in Beirut.

The Participants: 11 males (2 inebriated) and 1 female (also inebriated) for 12 participants.

Questions: “What is your favorite beer out of these five?” and “How many samples will you guess correctly?” (Measure of Estimated Expertise).

The Scale:

1. Color: Participants decide whether each beer is Light (1), Cloudy (2) or Dark (3).
2. Strength: Beer, in terms of alcohol content, is either Weak (1), Moderate (2) or Strong (3).
3. Carbonation: Carbonation level is Flat (1), Bubbly (2), Strongly Carbonated (3).
4. Hops: It’s like bitterness… Neutral (1), Bitter (2) or Lotsa Hopsa (3).

The Results: Running a regression became too complicated for me so I decided to interpret the most interesting results instead:

• Miller Lite was identified as Natural Light by 58% of participants; Coors Light was identified as Keystone Light by 33% of participants; Natural Light was identified as Coors Light by 33% of participants.
• 50% of participants named Coors Light as their favorite beer while 25% of participants named Bud Light as their favorite beer.
• 8.3% of participants preferred Coors Light; 58% of participants preferred Bud Light.
• Participants believed they would guess 60% of samples correctly. Participants guessed 20% of samples correctly.
• 25% of participants were able to match their favorite beer with their preferred beer.
• Color, Strength, Carbonation and Hops (the measures of interest) turned out to be completely irrelevant in the study as they were roughly equitable across samples.

The Implications: Granted, this is a sample of 12 randomly-selected CMC students, which inherently skews our results. However, the economic implications of the results cannot be ignored when purchasing 30-racks. Why buy Coors Light instead of Keystone Light (a difference of roughly $8.00) when one third of CMCers wouldn’t know the difference? How about the $10.00 you could save by buying Natural Light instead of Coors light?

The Conclusion: We are neither well-qualified enough nor do most of us care enough to make snobby declarations about the marginal differences between cheap beers – either buy better beer or stop bitching. What is important, however, is that beer money campus job check from CMC sitting in your desk drawer and how it will be best put to use at VONS!

There are a couple of reasons that are readily apparent: the close living quarters, the weekly fluid exchange we call TNC, student’s unwillingness to miss class because of sickness, but I’d like to focus on a more dangerous fact: CMC’s apparent Germ-a-phillia. That’s right, not Germ-a-PHOBIA, germaphillia.

And it’s not just that students here love germs, it’s that they are derisive towards those who don’t share their irrational lust for malevolent microorganisms. I, for instance, consider myself one of CMC’s few remaining sane human but for my beliefs I’ve been labeled with the cruel slur germaphobe.

Germaphobe? I don’t fear germs. I don’t walk around with a Camelback full of Purell, refusing to shake people hands. No. It is just that I, unlike the rest of my peers, seem to be one of the few remaining students who has retained a healthy aversion to bacteria.

Take beer pong for instance: I truly enjoy playing CMC’s official sport, yet I’m always disgusted by the local style of play. Dozens of people cycle through the same ten cups, each player leaving behind a few ounces of their own backwash at the bottom of the cups and some new viral strain on the rims. But wait. Don’t worry. Things aren’t that bad. Thank god we have the water cup, that tepid glass of human sludge in which every ball must first be sterilized.

Seriously, who thought the water cup was a good idea? I understand why you might hope to rinse off the dirt and dust from the ball — admirable, but don’t you think it kind of defeats the purpose when you continue to dunk the ball in that same dirt and dust tainted cup over and over again?! Guess what? you’re not doing your opponent any sort of hygienic favor by dipping your shot in a four-inch pool of water, rank with pubic hairs, body oils, and the occasional finger nail.

Disgusting. But guess what?! There is a simple solution. Just fill all the cups with water and drink your beer on the side. This seems entirely reasonable and yet every single time I play this way, even at my own table, with my own cups, in front of my own room, using my own beer, strangers and friends alike angrily complain:

“Why are you such a germaphobe?” “What is the point of this?”  “Just man up!”

And most articulately by some random Scrippsie–”Why are you such a pussy?”

Why am I such a pussy? Such a germaphobe? Because, foul friends and random taint-jawed Scripssie, I have seen what you do with your mouths. I have seen you licking the sweaty face of some random Boswell lounge beezy/bro. And I’ve seen you pass around that hookah hose you’ve had for three years and have never washed. And I’ve seen you eat those Mixed Bowl noodles off of the big brown stain on the middle of your carpet.

And I want no part in it.

E-603. Crazy name, right? Sounds like one of those new-age mash-up artists. Let’s break it down. E stands for Ethan. The 603, that’s an area code, but where? You guessed it: New Hampshire. Sorry if you misunderstood – E-603 is coming from New Hampshire to spin some of the hottest mash-up dance music of 2009.

You know the sound. Someone is always playing this interfused genre on campus. Rap and techno. Ludacris and Daft Punk. Notorious spitting on a Matt and Kim track. Nothing could be better for a dance party: your favorite lyrics with ecstasy worthy beats. But it is not just quality track sampling that makes E-603 stand out. Promise.

E-603’s real name is Ethan Ward. He is supposed to be a junior at Hampshire College in Western Massachusetts. Instead, he took a year off from his film degree to explore his newfound success as a musical pioneer. Yet Ethan, well, he’s as old as we are. The man is down to earth and he is ecstatic for the opportunity to come to the West Coast. He’s just a guy from the Northeast who is passionate about music and has a talent for mixing jams.

A talent for taking other artist’s music? That’s what a hater would say about this new media- the mashing. How hard is it? You mean to make those timeless hits snuggle with the feminist’s nightmare, dubbed rap? I don’t know, judge the music. You have to really listen though because it is not just two songs playing simultaneously. E-603 runs as many as seven songs at once, which have been altered and refined to fit seamlessly, despite genre polarity. I said he had a talent. True. But what Ethan seems to have, more than anything, is a commitment to his art. His latest album, Torn Up, took him over 1000 hours to complete. A year and half. If he was working with Habitat for Humanity he’d have a house by now – in a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood. His advisor at Hampshire told him no more working on music in school. Fair enough. He took the year off. And that’s where we are now.

Ethan, E-603 rather, refuses to do shows for his school. Why? He doesn’t want to give off the persona of an outrageous chief who wiles out in front of a crowd. He has to live with these people. Sure, sounds good. Though it’s not likely he’s ever going to see us again. Right. So does that mean? Yes, it does. Get psyched. E-603 – we’ll call him E, a reasonable blend of stage and real life personalities. Well, let’s just say he buys the cheapest computers he can find and covers them in saran wrap. “Who knows what is going to happen,” he says. Damn. Dude doesn’t even have a hotel room. He’s going with the flow of the night. “I’ll probably end up sleeping on someone’s floor.” I hope not. Who’s got a couch? Ladies–he’s single, attractive, and friendly, do you have room?

The email goes on to imply that  the RA’s have stalled any drastic action by DOS, but it also states that “things have to change” if CMCers are going to be able to enjoy the alcohol-related privileges they currently have.   The rest of the email is a reiteration of basic tenets of CMC alcohol policy:

1.     Put it in a red cup. If it’s not in a red cup, it will be confiscated.

2.     No glass. If you break glass at a party there is a $200 fine.

3.     If you’re in trouble, don’t be afraid to call the RA on duty.

4.     Drink within your limits.

5.     If it’s a CMC only party, all other students (and townies) will be asked to leave.

CMC Public Alcohol Policy: Alcoholic beverages may be served and consumed only at private events limited to members of the College community and their invited guests. Alcoholic beverages may not be served or consumed at events open to the public, such as intercollegiate athletic contests, or outside the confines of a registered and fenced party area. (Guide to Student Life page 32)

The email singles out “one particular event”, which for “privacy” reasons it does not disclose,  but which sources say was the transportation of a student suffering from acute alcohol poisoning.

But what does all this really mean?  At the beginning of each Fall semester people are excited to return to school and freshman are still adjusting.  There are a few problematic alcohol-related incidents.  These incidents in turn prompt a response from DOS, who, with our safety and the image of the institution in mind, make a serious attempt to “remind” students to follow the common sense rules that most of us have no trouble following. The past few years, actual policy changes have been a part of this cycle.  These changes have included a prohibition of outside drinking games (last year), and stricter accountability standards for TNC (two years past).  Despite these measures, CMC’s drinking culture has remained largely the same.

Tuesday’s meeting between DOS and the RAs involved a more serious conversation than usual about the evolution of the school’s drinking culture, and is apparently only the first in a series of meetings that may very well result in concrete measures to moderate a party atmosphere that DOS feels has gone from fun to dangerous.

Resident Assistant Caroline Taylor (Apartments, ’10), was kind enough to talk to the Forum about what is going on.  According to Taylor, the crux of the problem is that too much of the focus is now not on “partying” but solely on drinking.

“The culture needs to be where it was five years ago,” she says.  “We are on your [the students’] side.  We want people to be able to drink.  Drink in your rooms, take shots, but then go out to the party and socialize!  It’s just not about drinking everywhere.”

Apparently a big part of the issue being discussed is the prevalence of actual alcohol bottles, particularly handles of hard alcohol, being brought to parties like TNC.  When this happens, the focus shifts from a friendly conversation with a trusty red cup in hand to putting down as much booze as possible.  This is why the “no broken glass” and “red cup” policies are receiving extra attention.

The take away is this:  yes, there have been warnings like this in the past that have had no serious consequences.  This time around it looks like the real deal.

#16 Best Campus Food (+1)
#7 Best Career Services (-5)
#11 Dorms Like Palaces (no change)
#3 Happiest Students (+1)
#15 Lots of Race/Class Interaction (+3)
#11 Most Popular Study Abroad Program (not ranked last year)
#10 Most Politically Active Students (+1)
#13 Professors Get High Marks (not ranked last year)
#10 Most Accessible Professors (+1)
#3 School Runs Like Butter (+2)
#13 Great Financial Aid (-3)
#1 Easiest Campus to Get Around (not ranked last year)
#3 Best Quality of Life (+2)

And lastly, the ranking that CMC Public Affairs left off in their annual self-congratulatory mass e-mail…
Lots of Beer #5 (+8)

You can bet your Icehouse keg that President Gann is getting angry phone calls from alumni and parents about that one.  It’s not surprising that Public Affairs left it out in the e-mail, but it is strange that the e-mail is from “Public Affairs Office,” as if someone (Richard Rodner?) doesn’t want to stand behind it.

Anyway, expect to see some backlash against ASCMC in the form of increased security at parties, RA narc-ing, and difficulty when registering kegs.  In addition, Dean of Students will get some heat, and Trustee committee meetings will dwell on the issue for far too long.  Last year I wrote a post on the topic of beer at CMC, but it goes without saying that this ranking is based on widely-held misconceptions about CMC parties.  (On a side note, Preston Waserman ‘11 thinks we can do better: “I really think with the right attitude we can get to top three,” Waserman said in his most recent Twitter.)

As for the rankings as a whole, they seem to indicate that not only did we drink more, but we admitted three or four more minorities and international students, got rejected from lots of jobs, fired a housing coordinator, and had slightly better weather.  Not a bad year.

Overall, I would say that Princeton Review does a good job of ranking the Claremont Colleges within the Claremont Colleges.  Yes, CMCers might drink more than Pitzer and the other 5Cs, but we’re pretty comparable to Pomona and pale in comparison to most state schools.  And yes, Pitzer has lot more “Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians” who happen to smoke pot than the other 5Cs.  But I wouldn’t say Harvey Mudd is truly among the least beautiful campuses in the country or that CMC’s beer consumption per capita is anywhere close to that of some Ivy League schools.

Here’s how the other 5Cs fared:

Scripps:
#4 Dorms Like Palaces
#4 Most Beautiful Campus
#19 Easiest Campus to Get Around

Pomona:
#14 Dorms Like Palaces
#7 School Runs Like Butter
#5 Great Financial Aid
#13 Least Religious Students
#1 Best Classroom Experience
#19 Best Quality of Life

Pitzer:
#10 Most Popular Study Abroad Program
#12 Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians
#19 Gay Community Accepted
#7 Lots of Race/Class Interaction
#14 Reefer Madness
#11 Least Religious Students
#11 Most Liberal Students

Harvey Mudd:
#7 Least Beautiful Campus
#17 Intercollegiate Sports Unpopular or Nonexistent
#15 Professors Get High Marks
#12 Most Accessible Professors
#18 Students Study the Most

Last week, Boswell and the Environmental Crusaders teamed up for Save the Ales TNC, complete with local beer made from 100% certified organic barley and biodegradable corn cups.  To celebrate Earth Day (today, fools!), we bring you the photo petition they collected during the party.  Click the bottom right to watch in full screen and see if your friends got caught on camera holding embarrassing signs (“Get me laid: save the ales!”).

What’s a photo petition, you ask??  Instead of collection a bunch of signatures (boringggggg), they took pictures of people with signs saying why they supported climate change legislation and “saving the ales.”

Save the Ales parties have been happening at colleges all over the country as part of the Sierra Student Coalition’s climate change awareness efforts.  Climate change is having a negative effect on many crops, including hops in the Pacific Northwest (where most US breweries get their supply).  When hops crops fail, the price of beer rises and college kids with tight wallets all over the nation suffer anguish and injustice.

Did you appreciate having really nice beer at TNC and drinking out of a cup that wasn’t going to spend the next 400 years sitting in a garbage dump? (I have no idea how long it takes a red cup to deteriorate…) You’re in luck then, because the Crusaders hope to have at least 2 green TNCs next year.

(Full disclosure:  Yes, I used to be in charge of the Environmental Crusaders.  I still help them with some stuff, but I don’t hold an officer position anymore.  If you are part of a club and would like to see your events featured on the Forum, drop us a line and tell us how awesome your events are.  If they’re cool, maybe, just maybe, we’ll write them up.)

Little people wrestling. ASCMC paid an agency representing an assortment of little people to come to our fine campus and wrestle for the entertainment of all. Their brawl introduced a new debate to campus over ethics, economics, and morality, a debate we’re happy to revisit as we approach its two year anniversary.

Editor’s Note: This piece is the first in a recurring series of discussions of controversial campus issues. For the sake of argument, the authors were asked to creatively defend a position that they may not fully endorse.

For more arguments from these writers, see http://www.duelingdiatribes.com/

To be honest, I don’t think anyone in the history of the world has ever had a problem entertaining themselves when they were wasted. Frankly, I’d rather ASCMC focus on things that Jack Daniels and Jim Bean can’t already provide for me. For example, what if they tried bring more employers to our campus. With the economy tanking, we need CMC’s help finding internships and post-graduation employment more than ever.  If ASCMC and the rest of our student government is to ever be anything more than fodder for the resumes of the over-ambitious it has to break the mold. Right now it is nothing more than a glorified party planning agency.

However, as long as these positions continue to be democratically elected, this is never going to happen. The only thing cool in our frat boy culture is those events associated with the killing of brain cells.  Sadly, the only way to get our votes is to pretend like Sunday-Wednesday is an inconsequential portion of the week.

So in a sentence: the voters are idiots. Yeah I’m talking about you.  It’s not the candidate’s fault that the only thing ever mentioned is alcohol; it’s our own damn fault.  A democratic election is only as valuable as its constituent voters. A populace that is uniformly biased in one direction—in our case towards electing the most John Belushiesque candidate—cannot help but produce flawed results.

The only solution to this seemingly insoluble problem is to get rid of the democratic process all together.  Let’s have an “elite” council of Guardians within ASCMC appoint the various positions. Those are the people who most understand the rigors of the job and who are best positioned to find the most qualified applicant.

Now, if this was instituted, I’m sure lots of people would bitch and moan. I got that covered don’t worry. All we would need is sham elections. ASCMC could just “count” the votes in such a way as to make sure their candidate wins. That way everyone ends up happy. We get the warm fuzzy feeling that our vote made a difference, while still electing those most qualified to lead our campus. Damn…this doesn’t even sound that bad. I am not so sure I am even joking anymore.

(Corrected: John, not Jim Belushi)