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Voting for Mr. Stag 2011 Nominees is now closed.

It’s that time of year again where the best of the best come out to compete for the coveted title of Mr. Stag!

This ain’t no rodeo show, folks. This here is a classy event with the likes of Tom Mourmouras, Mike Bagby, Scott Sanford, Kevin MacPherson, Taylor Berliant, Greyson Blue, Nick Thompson, Travis Roher, and of course, the one and only Moose Halpern!

These studly dudes will be displaying their washboard abs in a swimsuit competition, demonstrating Einstein-like wit in a Q&A round, making all the Athenas swoon while trying to pick up Claremont’s most eligible bachelorette, and finally showing why the mighty Stag is far superior to the lowly Sagehen with their personal talents. Carl “Emcee” Peaslee and Tessy Orbea will be hosting while Isayas “Kid Cudi” Theodros, Kenley Turville, and Julie Hailue will be judging the contestants with the most critical of eyes.

Be sure to come by Pickford Auditorium on Friday, April 23 at 8pm to experience all the excitement!

It’s almost like playing a game of how many ridiculous literary devices you can fit into 600 words…

So I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “Hey, I recognize this guy!” Well I can tell you why, the reason you recognize me it because I was right here in this exact spot just 2 short years ago. Of course, back then I was 9 feet tall, just inches shorter than Aleksis Psychas—young and naïve, carefree yet eager to learn. I was like a young fawn following my doe mother closely, unaware of the hunter stationed just a few paces away, ready to make his move. Back then, the Mr. Stag contest was meant to represent a wholesome competition of sportsmen. Yet, this pipedream was shattered as the event turned out to be wrought with coldhearted corruption. I literally witnessed Britney Ruiz, the MC in 2007, torture and kill a contestant because he needed to take a bathroom break during rehearsal. Well, I’ll tell you something folks, Satan was in the house that awful night 2 years ago and he voted for Ramon Torres 61 times.

In the following months, I fell into a deep depression, I shrunk to my current height of 6 ft 6 inches and I began to hang out with Pomona kids. I changed my name a number of times, searching for identity. It was a dark time in my life that Id rather not speak of, I even gave up drinking for a short while—though I picked up a healthy heroin habit to take the edge off. Fast forward 2 years, a couple weeks ago, I was in my room offering my nightly townie sacrifice to the gods of CMC, when something happened… It was just as I was removing the townie’s horns and wings that my phone started to ring with my new Akon ring tone. I almost missed the call because cutting off an Akon song is like slapping an angel in the face.

“Hello” I said.
“Hello, is this Charlie?” the voice inquired.
I said, “I go by Keith now.”

Charlie reading to his adoring fans

The voice proceeded to explain to me that on April 17, 2009 there would be a competition the likes of which had never been seen. It was going to be sexual and violent. It was Mr. Stag, but this time it would run smoothly. I was giddy as a school girl and wet myself in excitement. That was nothing new as peeing myself had become pretty standard. So, I called Alex Caldwell to carpool to the event because he always has the freshest hookers in his trunk. On the way over he tried to kiss me at least 8 times, and confided in me about his struggles setting up a club at CMC for registered sex offenders.

Despite the uncomfortable topic of discussion, I was excited about the contest to come. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I was ready to make this contest my bitch. If Mr. Stag was a freshman girl walking home alone, I would be Austin Soldner attacking quickly and leaving no evidence behind. Or the same situation with Alex Caldwell and a freshman guy. Suddenly, I saw that a hospital was on fire, and I said “Hey Alex, stop the car—we need to save all these people!” In perfect firefighter form, I cleared out every patient in the building. As I was clearing out the infant ward, one of the babies looked up at me and said “Mr. Stag.” I asked the nurses about this baby later, but they had no records of him—there wasn’t even an infant ward at the hospital! Of course it turned out that the hospital wasn’t on fire and I had just evacuated the entire building—but that’s a sign.

If you couldn’t make it to Friday night’s main event, here’s a slideshow to clue you in on what you missed.  Warning:  way too much hip thrusting and far too much pastey white upper thigh.

MR. STAG 2009: Charlie McMahon

1ST RUNNER UP: Alex Caldwell

According to SLC Kenley Turville, a total of $300 was raised for charity.  Just which charity that money will go to is still up in the air, as negotiations among contestants still in progress.

Bravo to all participants and congratulations to the winners!

The Mr. Stag contestants give you a little taste of what they’re all about.  Apparently, Kestrel is all about Abe Lincoln and Austin likes apples. Once again, Mr. Stag is at 7:00 PM tomorrow at Pickford Auditorium!

Remember, the contestants are all competing for charities! A large part of who wins will be determined by votes. Each vote costs $1, which goes to the Mr. Stag 2009′s charity of choice. $1 will buy you one vote, and $10 will buy you 15 votes.

Credit to Dan Kan ’09 for editing this video.