The dominant social status game at every college in the US is partying. Partying lets us judge how fun other people are to be around, how much other people seem to like them and what sort of sexual partners they attract. On its face it makes little sense that our nation’s best and brightest youth are so willing to drink; alcohol use kills brain cells, hurts academic and athletic performance, makes us more aggressive/more prone to engage in risky behavior, and has severe long-term health effects.

But drinking gives us higher status, because it’s a credible signal of commitment; by drinking, we show our peers that we’re willing to take risks and hurt ourselves for the benefit of the group. Drinking also gives us high status because it’s wasteful – it kills brain cells, makes the drinker feel sick, and makes schoolwork impossible, so it’s notable if you can party hard and still get good grades. When you see studies showing that drinkers earn more money than nondrinkers, it’s not because alcohol opens pathways in the brain – it’s because people who drink have higher status than nondrinkers, and thus are more likely to get paid more, compete in the workplace, and get bonuses.

CMC is the hardest partying school of any of the 5C’s, due mainly to our cultural legacy as a men’s only college, and the high proportion of athletes here. Because of our reputation and culture, not only do we attract students who are more likely to engage in hard partying, but we also train each incoming class to value partying as well. We assign social status to other CMC students based on how fun they are to be around and the status of their sexual partners, both of which are facilitated by partying and alcohol.

As long as drinking gives students higher status, then any attempts by the school to reduce the amount of drinking, either through more restrictive policy or through admitting more introverted students, will fail. Partying will get pushed inside dorm rooms, to the other colleges, Claremont bars or College Park. But people will continue partying; they have to, to preserve their status. High status people could announce that they’re playing a different game, but they earned their high status by being good at partying, so they have little incentive to change the game, just like you wouldn’t want CMC to suddenly begin admitting students with low SAT scores.

To be alcohol-free is to risk being judged harshly by one’s peers and not invited along the next time everyone goes out. While Kenley Turville works her tail off for SLC, dry events will never be a big draw, because everyone worries that they’ll be assigned low status for choosing not to drink. We assert that we can have good time without drinking, or we know someone who’s fun and doesn’t drink, but we’re still there on a Saturday night taking pulls from a handle of Captain Morgan and bragging about how drunk we were the next morning at Collins. While the administration thinks the problem is simply about alcohol, for students, the stakes are far higher than a few shots.

(with thanks to Andy McKenzie and Charlie Sprague for discussion, and Katie Walker for the photo)

Should CMC change its alcohol policy?  Come listen to the discussion on Tuesday, November 17 at Debate Night at the Ath.  Sign up here.

There are a couple of reasons that are readily apparent: the close living quarters, the weekly fluid exchange we call TNC, student’s unwillingness to miss class because of sickness, but I’d like to focus on a more dangerous fact: CMC’s apparent Germ-a-phillia. That’s right, not Germ-a-PHOBIA, germaphillia.

And it’s not just that students here love germs, it’s that they are derisive towards those who don’t share their irrational lust for malevolent microorganisms. I, for instance, consider myself one of CMC’s few remaining sane human but for my beliefs I’ve been labeled with the cruel slur germaphobe.

Germaphobe? I don’t fear germs. I don’t walk around with a Camelback full of Purell, refusing to shake people hands. No. It is just that I, unlike the rest of my peers, seem to be one of the few remaining students who has retained a healthy aversion to bacteria.

Take beer pong for instance: I truly enjoy playing CMC’s official sport, yet I’m always disgusted by the local style of play. Dozens of people cycle through the same ten cups, each player leaving behind a few ounces of their own backwash at the bottom of the cups and some new viral strain on the rims. But wait. Don’t worry. Things aren’t that bad. Thank god we have the water cup, that tepid glass of human sludge in which every ball must first be sterilized.

Seriously, who thought the water cup was a good idea? I understand why you might hope to rinse off the dirt and dust from the ball — admirable, but don’t you think it kind of defeats the purpose when you continue to dunk the ball in that same dirt and dust tainted cup over and over again?! Guess what? you’re not doing your opponent any sort of hygienic favor by dipping your shot in a four-inch pool of water, rank with pubic hairs, body oils, and the occasional finger nail.

Disgusting. But guess what?! There is a simple solution. Just fill all the cups with water and drink your beer on the side. This seems entirely reasonable and yet every single time I play this way, even at my own table, with my own cups, in front of my own room, using my own beer, strangers and friends alike angrily complain:

“Why are you such a germaphobe?” “What is the point of this?”  “Just man up!”

And most articulately by some random Scrippsie–”Why are you such a pussy?”

Why am I such a pussy? Such a germaphobe? Because, foul friends and random taint-jawed Scripssie, I have seen what you do with your mouths. I have seen you licking the sweaty face of some random Boswell lounge beezy/bro. And I’ve seen you pass around that hookah hose you’ve had for three years and have never washed. And I’ve seen you eat those Mixed Bowl noodles off of the big brown stain on the middle of your carpet.

And I want no part in it.

#16 Best Campus Food (+1)
#7 Best Career Services (-5)
#11 Dorms Like Palaces (no change)
#3 Happiest Students (+1)
#15 Lots of Race/Class Interaction (+3)
#11 Most Popular Study Abroad Program (not ranked last year)
#10 Most Politically Active Students (+1)
#13 Professors Get High Marks (not ranked last year)
#10 Most Accessible Professors (+1)
#3 School Runs Like Butter (+2)
#13 Great Financial Aid (-3)
#1 Easiest Campus to Get Around (not ranked last year)
#3 Best Quality of Life (+2)

And lastly, the ranking that CMC Public Affairs left off in their annual self-congratulatory mass e-mail…
Lots of Beer #5 (+8)

You can bet your Icehouse keg that President Gann is getting angry phone calls from alumni and parents about that one.  It’s not surprising that Public Affairs left it out in the e-mail, but it is strange that the e-mail is from “Public Affairs Office,” as if someone (Richard Rodner?) doesn’t want to stand behind it.

Anyway, expect to see some backlash against ASCMC in the form of increased security at parties, RA narc-ing, and difficulty when registering kegs.  In addition, Dean of Students will get some heat, and Trustee committee meetings will dwell on the issue for far too long.  Last year I wrote a post on the topic of beer at CMC, but it goes without saying that this ranking is based on widely-held misconceptions about CMC parties.  (On a side note, Preston Waserman ‘11 thinks we can do better: “I really think with the right attitude we can get to top three,” Waserman said in his most recent Twitter.)

As for the rankings as a whole, they seem to indicate that not only did we drink more, but we admitted three or four more minorities and international students, got rejected from lots of jobs, fired a housing coordinator, and had slightly better weather.  Not a bad year.

Overall, I would say that Princeton Review does a good job of ranking the Claremont Colleges within the Claremont Colleges.  Yes, CMCers might drink more than Pitzer and the other 5Cs, but we’re pretty comparable to Pomona and pale in comparison to most state schools.  And yes, Pitzer has lot more “Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians” who happen to smoke pot than the other 5Cs.  But I wouldn’t say Harvey Mudd is truly among the least beautiful campuses in the country or that CMC’s beer consumption per capita is anywhere close to that of some Ivy League schools.

Here’s how the other 5Cs fared:

Scripps:
#4 Dorms Like Palaces
#4 Most Beautiful Campus
#19 Easiest Campus to Get Around

Pomona:
#14 Dorms Like Palaces
#7 School Runs Like Butter
#5 Great Financial Aid
#13 Least Religious Students
#1 Best Classroom Experience
#19 Best Quality of Life

Pitzer:
#10 Most Popular Study Abroad Program
#12 Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians
#19 Gay Community Accepted
#7 Lots of Race/Class Interaction
#14 Reefer Madness
#11 Least Religious Students
#11 Most Liberal Students

Harvey Mudd:
#7 Least Beautiful Campus
#17 Intercollegiate Sports Unpopular or Nonexistent
#15 Professors Get High Marks
#12 Most Accessible Professors
#18 Students Study the Most

Last week, Boswell and the Environmental Crusaders teamed up for Save the Ales TNC, complete with local beer made from 100% certified organic barley and biodegradable corn cups.  To celebrate Earth Day (today, fools!), we bring you the photo petition they collected during the party.  Click the bottom right to watch in full screen and see if your friends got caught on camera holding embarrassing signs (“Get me laid: save the ales!”).

What’s a photo petition, you ask??  Instead of collection a bunch of signatures (boringggggg), they took pictures of people with signs saying why they supported climate change legislation and “saving the ales.”

Save the Ales parties have been happening at colleges all over the country as part of the Sierra Student Coalition’s climate change awareness efforts.  Climate change is having a negative effect on many crops, including hops in the Pacific Northwest (where most US breweries get their supply).  When hops crops fail, the price of beer rises and college kids with tight wallets all over the nation suffer anguish and injustice.

Did you appreciate having really nice beer at TNC and drinking out of a cup that wasn’t going to spend the next 400 years sitting in a garbage dump? (I have no idea how long it takes a red cup to deteriorate…) You’re in luck then, because the Crusaders hope to have at least 2 green TNCs next year.

(Full disclosure:  Yes, I used to be in charge of the Environmental Crusaders.  I still help them with some stuff, but I don’t hold an officer position anymore.  If you are part of a club and would like to see your events featured on the Forum, drop us a line and tell us how awesome your events are.  If they’re cool, maybe, just maybe, we’ll write them up.)

To be honest, I don’t think anyone in the history of the world has ever had a problem entertaining themselves when they were wasted. Frankly, I’d rather ASCMC focus on things that Jack Daniels and Jim Bean can’t already provide for me. For example, what if they tried bring more employers to our campus. With the economy tanking, we need CMC’s help finding internships and post-graduation employment more than ever.  If ASCMC and the rest of our student government is to ever be anything more than fodder for the resumes of the over-ambitious it has to break the mold. Right now it is nothing more than a glorified party planning agency.

However, as long as these positions continue to be democratically elected, this is never going to happen. The only thing cool in our frat boy culture is those events associated with the killing of brain cells.  Sadly, the only way to get our votes is to pretend like Sunday-Wednesday is an inconsequential portion of the week.

So in a sentence: the voters are idiots. Yeah I’m talking about you.  It’s not the candidate’s fault that the only thing ever mentioned is alcohol; it’s our own damn fault.  A democratic election is only as valuable as its constituent voters. A populace that is uniformly biased in one direction—in our case towards electing the most John Belushiesque candidate—cannot help but produce flawed results.

The only solution to this seemingly insoluble problem is to get rid of the democratic process all together.  Let’s have an “elite” council of Guardians within ASCMC appoint the various positions. Those are the people who most understand the rigors of the job and who are best positioned to find the most qualified applicant.

Now, if this was instituted, I’m sure lots of people would bitch and moan. I got that covered don’t worry. All we would need is sham elections. ASCMC could just “count” the votes in such a way as to make sure their candidate wins. That way everyone ends up happy. We get the warm fuzzy feeling that our vote made a difference, while still electing those most qualified to lead our campus. Damn…this doesn’t even sound that bad. I am not so sure I am even joking anymore.

(Corrected: John, not Jim Belushi)

Claremont McKenna College
Rank List
#15      Best Campus Food
#2        Best Career/Job Placement Services
#11      Dorms Like Palaces
#4        Happiest Students
#13      Lots of Beer
#18      Lots of Race/Class Interaction
#11      Most Politically Active Students
#11      Most Accessible Professors
#5        School Runs Like Butter
#10      Students Happy with Financial Aid
#15      Best Classroom Experience
#5        Best Quality of Life

Why are we on the race/class interaction list?  See our humble neighbors below…  (couldn’t ask for more appropriate from Scripps or Pitzer)

Pomona
Rank List
#12     Dorms Like Palaces
#14     Happiest Students
#1       School Runs Like Butter
#3       Students Happy with Financial Aid
#14     Least Religious Students
#3       Best Classroom Experience
#10     Best Quality of Life

Pitzer
Rank List
#1      Lots of Race/Class Interaction
#12    Reefer Madness
#12    Least Religious Students
#16    Most Liberal Students

Harvey Mudd
Rank List
#6      Least Beautiful Campus
#17    Intercollegiate Sports Unpopular or Nonexistent
#8      Professors Get High Marks
#13    Most Accessible Professors
#5      Students Study the Most

Scripps
Rank List
#13    Best Campus Food
#4      Dorms Like Palaces
#6      Most Beautiful Campus

Update 7/31/08:
CMC.edu has a press release on this here.