On the moral decay of our campus

Last Monday somebody stole my burrito. It happened at Frary. The burrito had sour cream and beef and guacamole. I bet it was delicious. I waited maybe 20 minutes until I was certain of the fact. Then I stole somebody’s burrito. Sorry. It was the oldest one sitting there; I hope you didn’t still want it. Today I ate at Frary again. It was personal pizza night. The man behind me clearly did not understand what ‘personal’ meant. He waited maybe five minutes in the agonizingly long line before simply absconding with the meatiest looking pizza in sight.

Frary has become a den of iniquity blighting our campus: its well-intentioned honor system brings out the worst in everybody. But alas, what is to be done? I’m in no position to offer an institutional solution so I’ll have to settle for a good finger wag. You, the guy who steals burritos. Yes, you. Shame on you. What would your mother think?

When you steal a burrito you steal so much more than a mere bundle of meat and bean and rice. You steal the very trust which binds us together as a community. It was probably the Burrito Thief who stole my skateboard too. Do you steal bikes? Laptops? Cars? Where does it stop? What lines can be drawn? This cafeteria theft is the earliest sign of a creeping moral decay which will no doubt end only when we have descended so far into the depths of depravity as to be indistinguishable from beasts.

Or maybe I’m wrong altogether and my tired bourgeoisie morality is only standing in the way of modernity. Why must I be held captive by pathetic self doubt? The Burrito Thief has no doubts. He sees and he takes. He is some sort of nietzschean Übermensch free from the shackles of conventional morality. We are sheep and he is an eagle soaring above us, burritos clutched in his talons.

I don’t really know where this is going anymore but I guess that’s what you get when you brave the moral quandaries of burrito theft. Whatever the exact implications of cafeteria burglary, it’s not very nice. I promise I’ll stop. You first though.

Wyatt MacKenzie

Wyatt MacKenzie, like Venus, was formed spontaneously from sea foam and emerged carrying an IBM Selectric. He is physically incapable of producing anything but the most perfect reporting imaginable and has won seven Pulitzers for his work investigating CMC cafeterias. He hopes one day to report a story so hard that it stops ethnic conflict in the third world.

no i.d.

great article
no i.d.

great article
Seriously?

I cannot believe a fine institution like CMC would have articles like this one in its student newspaper/forum. it’s more likely that a person simply took the wrong plate than purposely took the burrito you made for yourself. Be a grownup person, Wyatt! you are a junior in college not a pre-schooler.

To the editor of the forum,
It is possible that you can filter the articles on the site? I enjoy reading many articles on the forum as they add value to our knowledge of the events around us but articles like this simply shows how immature CMCers can be. Our nearby neighbor Pomona is probably laughing at our stupidity.
Seriously?

I cannot believe a fine institution like CMC would have articles like this one in its student newspaper/forum. it’s more likely that a person simply took the wrong plate than purposely took the burrito you made for yourself. Be a grownup person, Wyatt! you are a junior in college not a pre-schooler.

To the editor of the forum,
It is possible that you can filter the articles on the site? I enjoy reading many articles on the forum as they add value to our knowledge of the events around us but articles like this simply shows how immature CMCers can be. Our nearby neighbor Pomona is probably laughing at our stupidity.
Terence McKenna

You take your eyes off the prize for even one minute and you completely deserve what you get. The only answer to burrito theft is CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

Protecting your food stuffs may be the only real world skill you leave Claremont with, but, in this market, it’s going to be good one to have while you are waiting in the bread line at the soup kitchen.
Terence McKenna

You take your eyes off the prize for even one minute and you completely deserve what you get. The only answer to burrito theft is CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

Protecting your food stuffs may be the only real world skill you leave Claremont with, but, in this market, it’s going to be good one to have while you are waiting in the bread line at the soup kitchen.
To Seriously?

I know it is hard to understand but not everything posted on the web is meant to be taken literally. I found this to be a very funny and satirical article which was fun to read (and applicable).

I do pose a question. Often at Frary I will see burritos or japanese night plates which have been left out for awhile, as in 20 minutes or more. Do I have a right to take these after 20 minutes, or after any time period, so that I can recycle these unused foodstuffs instead of taxing the earth by ordering more?
To Seriously?

I know it is hard to understand but not everything posted on the web is meant to be taken literally. I found this to be a very funny and satirical article which was fun to read (and applicable).

I do pose a question. Often at Frary I will see burritos or japanese night plates which have been left out for awhile, as in 20 minutes or more. Do I have a right to take these after 20 minutes, or after any time period, so that I can recycle these unused foodstuffs instead of taxing the earth by ordering more?
The Ethicist

Yes, that is ok.
The Ethicist

Yes, that is ok.
Life needs satire

Wyatt,

Your humor is a necessary thing in this world! I hope this article is a premonition of what is to come. There are so many ridiculous things that happen in college that are ripe for satirical comment. This morning on the way to class I witnessed a female student (Scrippsie, I assume) eject herself from her bike onto 6th street as she tried to avoid a squirrel. In the squirrel’s frenzy it ran right under a moving car and is now a permanent resident of the westbound lane on 6th Street. These things make life worth living!

Thanks Wyatt!
Life needs satire

Wyatt,

Your humor is a necessary thing in this world! I hope this article is a premonition of what is to come. There are so many ridiculous things that happen in college that are ripe for satirical comment. This morning on the way to class I witnessed a female student (Scrippsie, I assume) eject herself from her bike onto 6th street as she tried to avoid a squirrel. In the squirrel’s frenzy it ran right under a moving car and is now a permanent resident of the westbound lane on 6th Street. These things make life worth living!

Thanks Wyatt!
Y so serious (yall)

Listen, “Seriously?,” have you ever eaten at Frary? You have to put your name on your order. Taking the wrong plate is the equivalent of forgetting your own name. Amnesia introduces interesting ethical quandaries here. Maybe we should entertain those.
Y so serious (yall)

Listen, “Seriously?,” have you ever eaten at Frary? You have to put your name on your order. Taking the wrong plate is the equivalent of forgetting your own name. Amnesia introduces interesting ethical quandaries here. Maybe we should entertain those.
Dr. Burrito

The trick here is to write “Professor” before your name on the burrito order form. This term of authority is certain to intimidate those possessing an inclination to steal.
Dr. Burrito

The trick here is to write “Professor” before your name on the burrito order form. This term of authority is certain to intimidate those possessing an inclination to steal.
In agreement

Hilarious article. Nice job Wyatt.
In agreement

Hilarious article. Nice job Wyatt.
Grinnin’ while Grillin’

………maybe someone took their burrito………………
haha.
Grinnin’ while Grillin’

………maybe someone took their burrito………………
haha.
Miss Manners

@To Seriously?

The proper etiquette for a plate that has clearly been left is to copy down the order and the recipients name on a new order form, put that form in the box, then feel free to take their meal. All the Pomonans do this, which is why it takes a hour to get “your” two egg rolls and a scoop of rice. It is actually done in about 5 minutes, but goes through 12 generations before you actually manage to catch it in time.

@Grinnin’ while Grillin’

Maybe the dingo ate your bur-it-to
Miss Manners

@To Seriously?

The proper etiquette for a plate that has clearly been left is to copy down the order and the recipients name on a new order form, put that form in the box, then feel free to take their meal. All the Pomonans do this, which is why it takes a hour to get “your” two egg rolls and a scoop of rice. It is actually done in about 5 minutes, but goes through 12 generations before you actually manage to catch it in time.

@Grinnin’ while Grillin’

Maybe the dingo ate your bur-it-to
Hilarious

“The trick here is to write “Professor” before your name on the burrito order form. This term of authority is certain to intimidate those possessing an inclination to steal.”
Brilliant! Thanks for the idea.

“it’s more likely that a person simply took the wrong plate than purposely took the burrito you made for yourself.”
Wrong. Do you even go to school here?
Hilarious

“The trick here is to write “Professor” before your name on the burrito order form. This term of authority is certain to intimidate those possessing an inclination to steal.”
Brilliant! Thanks for the idea.

“it’s more likely that a person simply took the wrong plate than purposely took the burrito you made for yourself.”
Wrong. Do you even go to school here?
oy vey

I think frary needs to install security cameras for the good of the people
oy vey

I think frary needs to install security cameras for the good of the people
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On the moral decay of our campus

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Wyatt MacKenzie