I don’t care if your mom told you having brown hair builds character — blondes have more fun, look hotter, and are generally better than you/me. While that may not be an empirically tested fact — movies, nudie magazines, and, like, five of my cousins all tell me it’s true. While pondering whether or not a blonde really does make a superior Hooters girl or air hostess in the 60’s, something entirely unrelated occurred to me: there are no blonde comedians. At the very least, they seem to be outnumbered and out-funnied by brunette women. What causes that? Is it mere coincidence, inherent “funny” genes in brunettes, or maybe a form of social conditioning that makes blonde girls less funny? Sure, Amy Poehler gets to love on her hottie husband Will Arnett twenty four sev, but it is Tina Fey that gets Emmys and accolades, a Rolling Stone cover, and Maureen Dowd kissing her ass (math speak translation of that last sentence: 30 Rock > Parks and Recreation).
It could be that great comedians typically experience socially awkward, traumatic, and/or insecure childhoods, learn to use humor as a survival skill/coping mechanism/social currency, and ultimately become quick witted, self-deprecating, and — most importantly — funny people. More likely than not, that person is the mousy brunette girl rather than the blonde bombshell. On the other hand, that could be complete bullshit. Either way, when it comes to comedy — a notoriously hard genre for any woman to break into successfully — general precedent seems to indicate that brunettes bring the laughs harder/better/faster than blondes do. And this is relevant why? All of my random and rambling speculation brings us to the general theme of tonight’s 8:27 — exclusively blonde comedy. Procrastinate freely and decide for yourselves.
- Molly Sims Acting Reel
You may only recognize Molly Sims from the pages of the SI Swimsuit issue or as that one hot chick from the Jizz in My Pants video. Because of her smoking bod, her considerable acting chops are often overlooked. For example, I doubt you were aware of the fact that she won her first Academy Award at the tender age of 6 for playing Ava Gardner in — Oh wait… what?… I apologize, apparently that last bit never happened. She was, however, one of the main characters in the ensemble cast of the NBC casino dramady Las Vegas. It’s syndicated on TNT! Point is, the woman can act and she wants to prove it to you in this Funny or Die short. She just may be the greatest supermodel turned actress ever, excluding of course Tyra Banks and her movingly candid breakout performance.
- Chelsea Lately
Stand-up comedian, best-selling author, and full-time blonde Chelsea Handler is definitely hilarious, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable adversity (her show is on the E! network). If reading texts from last night in Poppa lab isn’t satisfying your desire to avoid work, I suggest you try taking your procrastination to the next level – off-campus. Handler’s late night talk show Chelsea Lately is filmed in front of a studio audience Monday through Thursday just a short drive away in L.A. If you want to attend a taping, tickets are free and readily available here. Advance warning: the audience is on-camera, so make sure to get your hurr did and don’t forget to smize.
Hilarious as per usual, Chelsea sits down for an interview with T.I. before he begins his jail sentence. Soon to be a felon and Chelsea still shamelessly hits on the man — much respect, Handler. COUGAR PRIDE.
In this skit, Handler goes to a fertility clinic to donate her eggs — though they are probably not even viable after being soaked in grain alcohol for the better part of that booze cruise.
- Dumb Blonde Moments
One of the most universal stereotypes about fair-haired females has inspired “The Man” to compile this list of the Top Ten Funniest Dumb Blonde Moments in TV history . They’ve got a rep for being stupid, they can’t shake it, and the people on this list don’t help their cause any. I realize that this may not technically count as blondes being funny, because the hilarity is unintentional and all. Either way, they made me laugh, so count it in their favor (cause I’m sure you are diligently keeping score). Below is my personal favorite selection, featuring American Idol alum Kellie Pickler. The girl is proof that all you need to be successful is Simon Cowell and fabulous highlights, right Ryan Seacrest?
- Carrie Prejean’s Sex Tape
Funny or Die.com surfaces yet again with a mock version of ex-Miss America ’09 Carrie Prejean’s sex tape. Judging the winner of this entry presents a quandary: while the real Carrie Prejean is definitely not a funny blonde, I can’t tell whether the fake Carrie Prejean is a brunette under that blonde wig, let alone whether or not she is funny. I’m going to assume she is on the side of the blondes, mainly due to the unfortunate Perez Hilton cameo at the end (Evidence: he is chronically un-funny, he’s named after Paris Hilton, he hangs out with a hair bleach addict named Lady Gaga.)
- Sell the Vatican, Feed the World
In the spirit of equality, here is a brunette comedienne to round the list out. Sarah Silverman’s risque style — peppered with racism, sexism, sacrilege, and deviant sexual language — is reviled by some and praised by others. That doesn’t really matter in this case though, because what’s not to love about ending world hunger? I honestly don’t know why someone didn’t think of cashing in the Vatican before, it is just sitting there. What I do know is that Sarah needs to write a grievance letter to the Norwegians, because Barack effing robbed her of that Nobel Peace Prize.
As far as the blonde vs. brunette debate goes, I call the score even and the question moot… because I feel like it would really suck to have Hilary Clinton pissed at me.