Warning: The Following Piece of Satire Was Definitely at Least as Well Researched as My Thesis Which I Should Be Writing Right Now Oh Dear Please Don’t Fail Me Professor Miller
The Healthcare.gov website isn’t the only thing down with ObamaCare.
Despite the fact that the Class of 2017 has, at long last, discovered the wonders of late night deep fried cheese logs, the power of the Stag God and the unyielding man (and lady) sweat of Ducey has ensured that the State of CMC remains swoll. But all that may change in the coming weeks with the recent rollout of the Affordable Care Act.
A fact (I researched for this article): 19 million young adults across the country lack health insurance.
Another fact (I made up): 3 million of those adults live in Beckett Hall.
A second fact (50-50 true): Via the individual mandate (I MEAN TAX), the government says you have to get health insurance or else pay a penalty of $95. Which is a shame, because with that kind of money you could buy ten large pizzas from Dominos next TNC, and then you wouldn’t need health insurance at all. Because you’d be dead.
A final fact (possibly true): Getting health insurance can be expensive but does good stuff too like helping you get spider powers or a giant robot like in Pacific Rim.
Fortunately my friends, there is nothing to fear. You have three, wonderful options to avoid that penalty and stay in the good graces of the world’s Americaniest government.
1. Stay on Mom and Dad’s Plan
No job? No money? No problem!
So you caught this weird Jumping Frenchman Disorder from a sexy croissant muncher while studying abroad in Paris and now you don’t want the parents to ask why your Jump Aversion Therapy chewed up their deductible? Too bad…
2. Get Catastrophic Coverage Only
You’re a stag. You lift. What’s the worst that can happen?
…but what if right at that moment when you’re benching like, you know, like 250, no big deal, and you know you’re about to hit your PB, but then that TIGHT Wayne song starts blasting and you just push through it and you’re like: yeah, that’s why I lift. #YOLO
….AND THEN AN EARTHQUAKE HITS AND DUCEY COLLAPSES IN ON ITSELF AND PRESIDENT CHODOSH RUNS IN AND LIFTS YOU OUT OF THE WRECKAGE BUT HE’S TOO LATE AND YOU LOSE YOUR ARM AND NOW YOU WANT A ROBOCOP ARM BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE SICK… but your deductible is too high so you can’t afford one!
Plus, regular checkups and X-rays are good or whatever.
3. Get Full Coverage
XRays on XRays on Xrays. Get scanned, get checked, get co-pays like it’s 1999! Ain’t nothing cooler than rocking that healthy body and comprehensive medical coverage.
$$ — Monthly premiums for 20-somethings are often above $280, and if you have a job that pays more than $48,000 you don’t qualify for most of the subsidies. That’s a lot of money you could be spending to get Uranium Ore Amazon Prime’d to Story House. (Note to NSA: that was a joke, please do not arrest me. I <3 you T-Ridge)
If none of those options seem appealing, don’t worry: I have good news: the ACA provided for the creation of a comprehensive, easy-to-use website to aggregate different health insurance plans for the uninsured. And that website, www.Healthcare.gov, has debuted to universal acclaim.
Just kidding. When I said I had good news, what I meant was more bad news: the website is broken and even this homeless man could have made a better one than the government. As Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius has described it, “in retrospect, the decision to build a comprehensive healthcare exchange market using GeoCities, three paperclips and an old muffin was a poor one, but we’ve got a crack team of hobos/programmers on the case.”
Alright, so maybe healthcare is expensive, and the website to purchase insurance is completely unusable. But here’s the good news: you’re young, you’re swoll, and you can spare a dime to cover yourself. If not, just stay away from Thesis and Jumping Frechmen and you should be just fine.
Author’s Note: Professor Miller, if you are reading this right now, I promise I’m on my way to your office right now to turn in that chapter on Justice Rose Bird’s electoral rhetoric in the 1978 election…just give me one moment to…
Editor’s Note: Following the completion of this article, the author fled Forum headquarters. He is currently missing and presumed to have transferred to Pitzer.