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At a recent ASCMC meeting, the Board was debating what to spend money on. ASCMC has a mandate to “improve student life,” but at a school with the “Happiest Students” that “Runs Like Butter” and has the “Best Quality of Life,” it can be hard to find things to improve.  So this brought up an interesting question– what does our school not have?

lazy-river

Top 20 things I would buy if I were President Gann* and had a boatload of money (in order of importance):

  1. A new athletics/recreation center to replace Ducey.  Easily the most important thing for CMC right now.
  2. A computer science professor (or two).  We only have one now.
  3. A new website
  4. More “networking” trips during breaks like the ITAB (Silicon Valley) and FEI (NYC) trips.  Both were some of the best learning experiences I’ve had in the past four years.
  5. Renovations and furniture for the Hub
  6. Renovations and furniture for the computer labs (better furniture, more screens, etc… check out the Mudd/Pomona labs and you’ll see what we’re missing)
  7. Renovations and furniture for the Reading Room
    (Onto the frivolous purchases…)
  8. Giant plasma screens and speakers all over campus broadcasting the same thing at all times
  9. An elaborate mini-golf course between Boswell and Green
  10. An outdoor pool for non-athletic use (Scripps is too far and has inconvenient hours for men)
  11. A large outdoor hot tub at the Senior Apartments.  (Important: cleaned and sanitized daily, at least.)
  12. A bronze statue of Donald McKenna outside Collins Dining Hall.  Oxidized to look old and grand.
  13. A gold statue of Henry Kravis outside the Kravis Center.  Polished daily to look new and expensive.
  14. Scripps College (just the students, the Motley, and the dining hall.  They can keep the other stuff.)
  15. A lazy river from Kravis Center to Bauer Center.  (Important: shut off and emptied on Thursday and Saturday nights.)
  16. High speed train from Claremont Boulevard to the top of Mt. Baldy
  17. Chairlift (gondola?) from South Quad to North Quad
  18. Pitzer College (KKR leveraged buyout style)
  19. The Mudd Hole
  20. Loanable go-karts (with front-mounted video cameras)

Other changes would include abolishing senior thesis, most GEs, and demolishing McKenna Auditorium and Ducey Gym.

*Henry Kravis, Robert Day, or any other super rich donor would do

Disagree? Did I forget something? Leave it in the comments.

54 COMMENTS

  1. Siegel, I am still bitter about being told in student council in 3rd grade that getting Coke in the water fountains was “unrealistic” — would you tell Kravis he can still make my dreams come true? Oh, and also could he hook up packages of gold stars for every student to dole out only when professors do things we like.

    (Mr. Keegan, if you could only see me now…)

    • That reminds me, ASCMC still has like a gazillion gallons of jello powder leftover from when DOS canceled jello wrestling at the last minute in the spring…

  2. Siegel, I am still bitter about being told in student council in 3rd grade that getting Coke in the water fountains was “unrealistic” — would you tell Kravis he can still make my dreams come true? Oh, and also could he hook up packages of gold stars for every student to dole out only when professors do things we like.

    (Mr. Keegan, if you could only see me now…)

    • That reminds me, ASCMC still has like a gazillion gallons of jello powder leftover from when DOS canceled jello wrestling at the last minute in the spring…

  3. Buying Pitzer might be a really bad investment. What are we gonna do with that college after the LBO? Liquidate its valuable assets (if any) and hope for a **penny gain** in every dollar invested?

    I think the more likely scenario is we will be stuck with many toxic assets on our balance sheet…

  4. Buying Pitzer might be a really bad investment. What are we gonna do with that college after the LBO? Liquidate its valuable assets (if any) and hope for a **penny gain** in every dollar invested?

    I think the more likely scenario is we will be stuck with many toxic assets on our balance sheet…

  5. I suggest we buy some super stars to work around campus. They can scoop food at collins and dole out compliments to those who need a pick me up. Who wouldn’t want Michael Jordan swiping their card?

    Also, professional masseuse?

  6. I suggest we buy some super stars to work around campus. They can scoop food at collins and dole out compliments to those who need a pick me up. Who wouldn’t want Michael Jordan swiping their card?

    Also, professional masseuse?

  7. I’m advocating more of those square flower beds with straight rows of constantly dying flowers that are replaced once a month. I just think it would be a good investment.

  8. I’m advocating more of those square flower beds with straight rows of constantly dying flowers that are replaced once a month. I just think it would be a good investment.

  9. So a mini-golf course somewhere on campus would be bomb. I’m guessing the issue is the space/maintenance required.

  10. So a mini-golf course somewhere on campus would be bomb. I’m guessing the issue is the space/maintenance required.

  11. Wait, senior thesis was abolished! But we still need that coffee shop when Starbucks might be closer to busy seniors than the Motley.

  12. Wait, senior thesis was abolished! But we still need that coffee shop when Starbucks might be closer to busy seniors than the Motley.

  13. How about ziplines? Much more cheap and exciting than the chairlift/gondola idea (17). I propose we put one from the top of Stark to Green Beach! Maybe another one from the roof of Appleby to the space between Benson and Claremont Hall. Or what about one from the roof of the Bauer center to the fountain at the far end of north quad? These would only make transportation around campus easier than it already is.

    Also, we could use some hammocks around campus, unless some of you think that that would make us look too much like pitzer. I wouldn’t mind one in the shade to sleep off big nights on sunday afternoons. Even some cheap ones from costco that sit on the ground would be acceptable.

    And is it just me or do some of you north quadders feel like the existing picnic tables around north quad could be made much more suitable for doing actual homework on? I wouldn’t mind having the collection of north quad picnic tables replaced/rennovated/supplemented with nicer newer tables & benches.

  14. How about ziplines? Much more cheap and exciting than the chairlift/gondola idea (17). I propose we put one from the top of Stark to Green Beach! Maybe another one from the roof of Appleby to the space between Benson and Claremont Hall. Or what about one from the roof of the Bauer center to the fountain at the far end of north quad? These would only make transportation around campus easier than it already is.

    Also, we could use some hammocks around campus, unless some of you think that that would make us look too much like pitzer. I wouldn’t mind one in the shade to sleep off big nights on sunday afternoons. Even some cheap ones from costco that sit on the ground would be acceptable.

    And is it just me or do some of you north quadders feel like the existing picnic tables around north quad could be made much more suitable for doing actual homework on? I wouldn’t mind having the collection of north quad picnic tables replaced/rennovated/supplemented with nicer newer tables & benches.

  15. library that opens 24/7 would be nice, and getting rid of the people who work in the library’s cafe who insists on playing and whistling along to their music. (If you’re going to do that, don’t work in a library cafe.) Also ban young children from the library. They suck, all they do is make loud noises.

    Definitely connect all 3 towers by ziplines on the roof. If zombies ever attack, at least we are still mobile within the towers. (also make stark roof have a helipad for the same reason)

    why do we still keep our old tennis courts if we have the new ones? Tear it down. Shooting/archery range instead. Just for laughs, we’ll make a few dummy sagehens only to tear them mercilessly with weaponry.

    Why is Pitzer still around? Apart from the pasta station at the dining hall, they don’t bring a lot to the table with their hippie ways.

    Forget the motley- we’ll make our own cafe where tampons and diva cups aren’t situated next to the cookies.

    Definitely should have a bar on campus- all the british universities have a campus bar or pub. Preferably a state of the arts sports bar that serves good food. No hippies though.

    • In event of a zombie attack, the last thing we should do is connect the towers, endangering all three towers if one becomes infested. I can’t recall whether zombies can use ziplines or not, but imagine if an infected person crossed over.

  16. library that opens 24/7 would be nice, and getting rid of the people who work in the library’s cafe who insists on playing and whistling along to their music. (If you’re going to do that, don’t work in a library cafe.) Also ban young children from the library. They suck, all they do is make loud noises.

    Definitely connect all 3 towers by ziplines on the roof. If zombies ever attack, at least we are still mobile within the towers. (also make stark roof have a helipad for the same reason)

    why do we still keep our old tennis courts if we have the new ones? Tear it down. Shooting/archery range instead. Just for laughs, we’ll make a few dummy sagehens only to tear them mercilessly with weaponry.

    Why is Pitzer still around? Apart from the pasta station at the dining hall, they don’t bring a lot to the table with their hippie ways.

    Forget the motley- we’ll make our own cafe where tampons and diva cups aren’t situated next to the cookies.

    Definitely should have a bar on campus- all the british universities have a campus bar or pub. Preferably a state of the arts sports bar that serves good food. No hippies though.

    • In event of a zombie attack, the last thing we should do is connect the towers, endangering all three towers if one becomes infested. I can’t recall whether zombies can use ziplines or not, but imagine if an infected person crossed over.

  17. no, in the event of a full scale attack, we will have the .22 rifles and have people on the roof at all times, ready to shoot on sight. We will also have dangerous chemicals from the chemistry labs to hurl at people. If we cover the towers from all angles, no one could possibly get infected because no one could enter the premises. We could also cut the zip lines if we need to. More importantly, lock all stairways and disable the elevators so no one could come up from below.

  18. no, in the event of a full scale attack, we will have the .22 rifles and have people on the roof at all times, ready to shoot on sight. We will also have dangerous chemicals from the chemistry labs to hurl at people. If we cover the towers from all angles, no one could possibly get infected because no one could enter the premises. We could also cut the zip lines if we need to. More importantly, lock all stairways and disable the elevators so no one could come up from below.

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