Dear Merriel,

In the midst of rushing to get myself out of a one-time hookup’s room last Sunday morning, I managed to depart without a crucial item of clothing, my boxers. I’m pretty much just acquaintances with the girl, I don’t even think we’re friends on Facebook, but ideally, I’d like to get the said boxers back. Any suggestions on how I go about doing that? Or should I cut my losses and count on never seeing them again?

Boxerless Boy      

Dear Commando King,

Ah… you hate to see that. As if it’s not bad enough waking up to a gnarly headache while cramped in a twin sized bed with dozens of photos of your new “friend” and her BFFs staring at you with judging laughs from her wall next to you. But then to hastily shuffle into jeans scented with stale beer without the comfort of your favorite pair of undergarments – that definitely sucks.

What to do? Well, you could ask a mutual friend to search for them next time she goes over to the room to pregame. While the rest of the girls are mastering the perfect Snapchat selfie, have your friend check under pillows, beds, desk drawers, whatever, and hope she comes across your long lost belonging. (Serious props if you can find someone who’s not weirded out to be retrieving your pre-coital underwear.) She’ll then face the predicament of how to ultimately deliver them to you. Longchamp? Plastic bag? Hidden in an empty rack of Keystone and then placed in the bushes for you to come find later? I’m just throwing out ideas here, feel free to be innovative with your own solution to the boxer hand off dilemma.

Another option would be to man up and ask her yourself. Clearly these man panties must be stitched with gold thread or lined with cashmere if they mean enough to you that you’re looking to me to engineer a plan to get them back around your pelvic region. I’m assuming you remember where it was she lives, so you can stand to make the trip over there and brave the inevitable awkwardness when you return. Prepare for some small talk so you don’t seem like a total doucher, and who knows, maybe you guys might even hit it off while you’re fully clothed in the light of day.

Also be aware that girlfriend might have just chucked them in the garbage with the rest of the empty beer cans and fifth of Vanilla Smirnoff. Although the boxers decidedly hold an important place in your heart, she might not have picked up on that seeing that you dashed home straight junk to zipper, which I can’t imagine could be comfortable. Just speculating though.

Whichever you choose, or even if you decide to suck it up and say see ya never to your Calvin Kleins, try not to make it weird with the girl. Don’t be too cool to say hi when you see her at the Hub and don’t suddenly check your texts at the exact moment you walk by her on the way to class. Yes, you’re both thinking the same thing, but there’s no reason to act like a stranger unless you found out the girl mounted the boxers on her wall or has been wearing them every night to sleep in. If either of those are the case though run far, far away. You might be facing a stage five clinger with a high propensity for creepiness and the scent of your bod. Yum.

Peace, love and TNC,



Dear Merriel,

I’ve been hooking up with a guy for a few weeks and I woke up the other morning to find I’d had an “accident” in his bed after a night of too much fun and an apparently full bladder. I ran out of his room before he woke up and have been hiding out all week to avoid seeing him. Is this situation at all fixable or should I continue avoiding him forever?

Embarrassed Beyond Belief

Dear Girl I Do Not Envy,

Sorry. I’m sure it could be worse, but I’m having trouble at the moment thinking of an example to ease the pain. You’ve gotta put on your big girl pants, or Pull Ups as the case may be, and talk to the dude. Jamie Dimon has said that problems do not age well. I would add that neither does a urine covered mattress pad.

Perhaps you think if you lock yourself in your room and only eat meals at Mudd for the next two weeks that the storm will settle on its own. That is wrong. You peed then peaced. That’s kinda the low of lows. Not to kick you while you’re down but seriously, come on. The kid probably used at least $7 worth of Claremont Cash to wash and rewash his bedding. You NEED to apologize. It will be embarrassing and uncomfortable. But do you know what else is uncomfortable? Waking up alone in a bed full of someone else’s pee.

Start with a sincere text. None of this “sry 4 saturday. my bad lol.” You have no right to be lol-ing. I can be lol-ing, since I am not you. Maybe if the guy has a good sense of humor, he might be lol-ing too. But you need to show that you’re genuinely sorry. Next, go to Target and buy him new sheets. If you’re funny you could consider purchasing him one of those plastic mattress protectors used for children. Don’t try this if you’re not funny because he might think you’re serious and that would be awkward. Not as awkward as you peeing in his bed though. Sorry again.

While painful in the short run, you’ll be happy you apologized. And please, I beg of you to NOT make this a habit. Your next hook up and the future CMCers inheriting your mattress will thank you.

Best of Luck




  1. Dear Embarrassed Beyond Belief,

    As a sophomore I peed in a strange freshman’s bed, bolted, pretended I didn’t know him for two months and then ended up dating him for 4 years…

    I call it “marking your territory.” Good work!

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