I’ve been at CMC for a little over a month, and I’m starting to get the hang of things. With the help of wise upperclassmen, I’ve already learned some do’s and don’ts. For instance, only go to TNC an hour after it starts; don’t be that freshmen who pregames TNR; don’t get to Ath tea exactly on the half hour unless you want strawberries, and you MUST try a fresh-baked Scripps cookie (or two, or twelve). As comprehensive as orientation was, however, there are still some questions I have that are left unanswered. CMC green beach 601

1: What is the smell in the entrance of Collins?

Every time I approach Collins, a pungent smell hits me like a wall–don’t act like you haven’t smelled that rank odor that always lingers in the lobby. Some say they don’t notice the stench of a rotting corpse–do they not have nostrils? But my real question is: exactly what is the smell? Some days it’s burnt cheese, others it’s garbage, and most times it’s a mystery. Whatever the smell is, it needs to be stopped, or at least identified.

2: Why do the sprinklers go off at the most inconvenient times?

I understand that CMC must keep its grass (and it’s sidewalks) a perfect hue of green and that sprinklers are an imperative part to make our grass golf course-quality. But, the sprinklers go off at the WORST times. I wonder what the sick mastermind behind the sprinkler schedule is thinking. Probably something like, “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if I turn on the sprinklers right in the middle of TNC?” I  often find myself wading through rapids on my way back to my dorm…

3: How did everyone learn to longboard?

The second orientation ended, everyone began to cruise around on these four-wheeled enigmas. Was there a class during orientation that I missed? Was there a post in the Class of 2017 Facebook group about starting a longboard cult? It seems as though longboard-mania has consumed the freshman class. I also now have a new fear of death by longboard.

4: Why is there no Sunday snack?

Every Sunday at around 10pm my stomach growls. I imagine it is saying something like, “Why have you not ingested an astronomical amount of fried food by now?” I sadly have to tell my stomach it is because there is no Sunday snack. It would be the perfect study break. So, if anyone knows where I can go to gorge on mozzarella sticks this Sunday, please share.

5: Why are there never enough bananas?

Anyone who has ever had brunch with me knows I leave Collins with an armful of bananas (I once took twelve, no shame). Bananas are only available in large quantities at brunch; at all other meals I struggle to find them. Why is this?! I wouldn’t have to hoard bananas if they were as readily available as other fruit, such as apples. I am left with no choice, however, but to take a bunch and stock up for the week.

6: Why is the WiFi nonexistent?

This is a problem that plagues me anywhere on CMC’s campus. Not to mention, living in North Quad is akin to the Third World in terms of internet–you might as well forget about using all wireless technological devices. I have tried all three WiFi networks and each gives me one bar…maximum. So what is it that makes it is impossible to use internet on CMC? Do we need to call a squad of Mudders over to fix this? Side note: if anyone knows how to watch Netflix without constant buffering–let me know.

If anyone knows the answers/solutions to these questions, I beg you, speak up for the greater good of the CMC community. Attention: Campus Improvement Committee, are you reading this? If so, please make one of these changes happen.


  1. It’s been a while since I was on campus, but I might be able to help with two of these:

    1. WiFi has been bad in North Quad for years, and it probably always will be. Ask someone who’s been around a while (Jeff Huang, John Faranda) about the structure of the North Quad dorms. They’re basically bomb shelters.

    2. Sunday Snack was cancelled during the Great Recession to help balance the budget. It probably won’t come back.

    3. Just read your bio. I think it’s spelled “freshman.”

  2. the rank smell is from those trees with the small white flowers… the smell is resemblant of sperm… we call them the sperm trees.

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