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Dear A Mitch,

I have struggled for a long time with money and friends. I like to be generous and expect the give and take, but there are just some people that just don’t get mooching or the concept of splitting a case of beer. What should I do or how do I handle these situations? It makes me uneasy and upset, but at the same time it does seem trivial. I mean should I really lose respect for someone over a slice of pizza or end a friendship over five bucks?

No, you shouldn’t, because you should have already murdered them. For some, death is the only way they’ll ever get it. I’d like to introduce you to my mafia tactics, friend. I hope those beers were worth your fingers. But that is only if you have the stomach for murder. You may also consider that prison probably doesn’t serve beer or pizza. Is that irony? Could be. Okay, no killing.

What I think you are encountering is a classic case of the boy who cried, “I’ll pay you back.” Annoying, yes, however, easily remedied. Like Lady Guadalupe once said, get up – stand up, stand up for your rights! You need to take control of the situation. And that doesn’t mean you have to be a douchey bill collector about it. Actually, if you can, and if the tab is within reason, try to forget about what they already owe you. Asking for eight bucks on that 6:01 Keystone thirty-bomb is only going to exacerbate the tension. Put it next to the parking ticket you still haven’t paid. The Bauer lot is just not logical! Calm down, let’s focus on the future.

Next time you are going in on something together don’t beat around the bush. Say, “hey man, you owe me $10 for the Captain. I need it by Sunday.” Or even better: “I am going to pick up some booze. If you want to drink with me, I need money.” Regardless, this means nothing to some people. Whether they grew up penny pinching or are so over-privileged they have no concept of what ten dollars means to middle class folk with petite allowances, you’re not getting you money. And that sucks because now you have to say, “No you cannot have a beer, you can have one shot — because you are my friend. Sorry, I love you man, but you gotta put up because I’m taking a hit every time we drink. Or every time we eat. Or every time I buy laundry detergent.” If he gets mad when you confront him, tell him to fuck himself, you are not his sugar daddy. You’re mine.

Final point: Being hospitable and sharing is always the way to go, but not if it is perpetually one-sided. If someone doesn’t respect you enough to pay you the money they owe you, you shouldn’t be friends with them.

Sincerely,

A Mitch

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Dear A Mitch,

My boyfriend will not go down on me to save his life. I try to make him happy and he never returns the favor. He is a really good guy all around except for his selfishness in the bedroom. I’m afraid to ask him to because I don’t want the awkward tension. Is this normal? Should I even care?

MY LADY!

Let’s talk about sex! Oral sex. Oh baby.

Oral sex is natural. Like trees. And Antarctica. It gets a bad rap because somewhere throughout history sexual organs were characterized as filthy, dirty, nonos. These are outdated social conventions for most, yet oral play can be a challenge difficult to meet head on.

Before we talk about why your boyfriend neglects practicing his cunninglinguisism, let’s talk about your biggest issue, which is not your boyfriend’s stinginess. I think the real problem is your fear to speak honestly with him about your feelings. Even if it is not a huge deal, addressing your concerns is important. Communication lubricates all relationships. Obviously it is bothering you enough to ask me. Maybe you should ask yourself why you trust me with this question more than the individual you are so close to?

As far as the sex… The righteous lover will say one should return the pleasure. Put your mouth onto me as I do onto you. In most situations this statement makes sense because he or she is lazy and would rather get down to business instead of intimately progressing.

When you talk to him, you’ll get a sense of where he stands on the subject. If he says, “I don’t know why, I just don’t,” let him know how much it turns you on when you think about the toe-curling titillating tingle of intense pleasure. It might not take too much persuading to stimulate his interest

It’s also possible he has never done the daring deed and is merely nervous to expose his own shortcomings. Lady parts for many are kind of like math for Pitzer students: a mysterious maze. So help him out. Tell him, “Hey babe, you’re like a light-year off right now, try this spot here.” Direct him to what some call, the “clitoris.” Then you can thank him for reminding you how to scream. Or bite your lip… it’s too hot to close the windows.

Yet sometimes there is nothing you can do; inequality is an unfortunate reality. Yes, it feels phenomenal, understood. How could you not, right? But if it doesn’t work for your partner, it doesn’t work for your relationship. For the same reason you don’t like broccoli, your boy may not like… you know, licking vagina. Some guys think it’s gross, plain and simple. Babies come out of there. Eww. Why is that somewhere I want to put my mouth? You can say whatever you want about what is fair, but you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do and expect to maintain a healthy relationship. And that sucks. Not literally. For you at least.

If anything, talk. Don’t cut his head off anticipating beneficial change (like blowjobs, not beheading). Us men, we’re not mind readers. If you really can’t handle discussing it, give him a subtle clue by taking him to The Female Orgasm Talk tonight at Scripps. Maybe he’ll catch a hint. If all else fails my buddy Mattie Rich has a tongue longer than your Thursday night seminar. He’s tired of being under appreciated.

Sincerely,

A Mitch

78 COMMENTS

  1. Thanks for promoting open discussions between couples about what turns them on… its healthy and it makes both people much more happy!

    Good work Forum!

    • I am happy to see someone on the Forum writing about sexual health issues. Don’t mind the “classy” comment. There is no reason to associate positive views on sexuality and a constructive dialogue about them with being anything but a step forward.

      Don’t let sexually repressive cultural conservatism win. It makes me sad.

      • I’m disappointed that Andrew spared us the lecture on feminism. I had my pen, paper, and spiral notebook. Because you know when I think sex, I think Andrew Bluebond.

  2. Thanks for promoting open discussions between couples about what turns them on… its healthy and it makes both people much more happy!

    Good work Forum!

    • I am happy to see someone on the Forum writing about sexual health issues. Don’t mind the “classy” comment. There is no reason to associate positive views on sexuality and a constructive dialogue about them with being anything but a step forward.

      Don’t let sexually repressive cultural conservatism win. It makes me sad.

      • I’m disappointed that Andrew spared us the lecture on feminism. I had my pen, paper, and spiral notebook. Because you know when I think sex, I think Andrew Bluebond.

  3. The free market wants to hear about cunning linguists. Let the invisible hand (or tongue) be heard!

  4. The free market wants to hear about cunning linguists. Let the invisible hand (or tongue) be heard!

      • When they do, they should be able to recognize that one of CMC’s (if not the) most talented writer is man enough to talk about pussy.

      • Yo charlie i gots a question for you. When was the last time you were in a position to actually do this? Can you please explain how I can best satisfy my lady? I need some help and you seem like you would be the best here to do it. Back and forth or left to right? How quickly should I go? Please help me Charlie, you are my only hope.

      • I’d like to add that alumni also attended CMC. They know what goes on at CMC… and they were also young and had issues like this. Not everyone is sexually repressed.

      • As another alum, let me echo the sentiment that THIS ARTICLE ROCKS.

        TSL’s sex columns, while interesting, always felt like cliched liberal arts college (dare I say Pomona-like) sex columns: sex and racial identity! issues about body image! thoughts on prostitution!

        Worth reading, but not like this — this is Dan Savage with Pitzer jokes, and I approve.

      • This is exactly what I hate the most: People wanting everything to be so politically correct that something as simple and natural as oral sex becomes stigmatized into this atrocious act people like Charles are afraid to talk about. “What must the Alumni think of this!” They probably think of a similar circumstances from their college careers, or their present lives. You cannot deny what happens in everyday life, Charles, no matter how much you are scared of it. And regardless of how “risky” a piece this is, remember people like to laugh. Maybe you should get off your pedestal, you know, locate your smile, and go eat some pussy, pussy.

      • When they do, they should be able to recognize that one of CMC’s (if not the) most talented writer is man enough to talk about pussy.

      • Yo charlie i gots a question for you. When was the last time you were in a position to actually do this? Can you please explain how I can best satisfy my lady? I need some help and you seem like you would be the best here to do it. Back and forth or left to right? How quickly should I go? Please help me Charlie, you are my only hope.

      • I’d like to add that alumni also attended CMC. They know what goes on at CMC… and they were also young and had issues like this. Not everyone is sexually repressed.

      • As another alum, let me echo the sentiment that THIS ARTICLE ROCKS.

        TSL’s sex columns, while interesting, always felt like cliched liberal arts college (dare I say Pomona-like) sex columns: sex and racial identity! issues about body image! thoughts on prostitution!

        Worth reading, but not like this — this is Dan Savage with Pitzer jokes, and I approve.

    • No shit you aren’t a prude Charlie! You would probably love to be able to give oral sex to a beautiful girl but the problem is that you haven’t been in that position… ever? So this is how you take out your sexual frustrations. You seem to think that by leaving disparaging marks that negate the accuracy of this article you are speaking from the common view, which obviously by judging from the other responses, is quite inaccurate. If you’ve never tried it I bet you could get a discount if you showed your Claremont McKenna ID card to a hooker in Vegas. Holla!

      And cheers? What the hell? You aren’t British. (People with English accents get play, so…)

    • No shit you aren’t a prude Charlie! You would probably love to be able to give oral sex to a beautiful girl but the problem is that you haven’t been in that position… ever? So this is how you take out your sexual frustrations. You seem to think that by leaving disparaging marks that negate the accuracy of this article you are speaking from the common view, which obviously by judging from the other responses, is quite inaccurate. If you’ve never tried it I bet you could get a discount if you showed your Claremont McKenna ID card to a hooker in Vegas. Holla!

      And cheers? What the hell? You aren’t British. (People with English accents get play, so…)

  5. Hey Charles, I’m an Alum (okay, so I just graduated in May, but I still intend to donate to CMC every year), and I think this is the best damn article I’ve read on the Forum…ever.

    As to the anonymous question-asker, I agree with Alex Mitchell completely in that the issue here is communication. I was in a serious relationship for several years and although my ex would go down on me, I only gave him head once for about 2 minutes before quitting because I was so uncomfortable. This was in the final weeks of our relationship. I have given head since and even enjoyed doing it. I realize now that the issue with my ex was trust, not my unwillingness to put his penis in my mouth. There was a reason our relationship ended shortly after this experience.

    I’ve had conversations about oral many times with my girlfriends, and the consensus has always been the same: oral sex is way more intimate than intercourse. When you’re having sex, you’re not looking at your uglies bumping; it feels good and that’s all that matters. When it’s oral, however, it’s up close and personal. There are sights and smells and tastes not experienced during intercourse.

    I am intrigued by my own feelings about this difference in intimacy, considering oral sex carries far fewer physical risks than intercourse (i.e. no pregnancy, and reduced risk of contracting STDs (it can still happen though, so be safe!!)). Yet despite the physical risks, I put my emotional health first.

    Long story short, I will fuck you way before I suck you.

  6. Hey Charles, I’m an Alum (okay, so I just graduated in May, but I still intend to donate to CMC every year), and I think this is the best damn article I’ve read on the Forum…ever.

    As to the anonymous question-asker, I agree with Alex Mitchell completely in that the issue here is communication. I was in a serious relationship for several years and although my ex would go down on me, I only gave him head once for about 2 minutes before quitting because I was so uncomfortable. This was in the final weeks of our relationship. I have given head since and even enjoyed doing it. I realize now that the issue with my ex was trust, not my unwillingness to put his penis in my mouth. There was a reason our relationship ended shortly after this experience.

    I’ve had conversations about oral many times with my girlfriends, and the consensus has always been the same: oral sex is way more intimate than intercourse. When you’re having sex, you’re not looking at your uglies bumping; it feels good and that’s all that matters. When it’s oral, however, it’s up close and personal. There are sights and smells and tastes not experienced during intercourse.

    I am intrigued by my own feelings about this difference in intimacy, considering oral sex carries far fewer physical risks than intercourse (i.e. no pregnancy, and reduced risk of contracting STDs (it can still happen though, so be safe!!)). Yet despite the physical risks, I put my emotional health first.

    Long story short, I will fuck you way before I suck you.

  7. Ok, i don’t know to whom my ‘yeah right’ comment was directed to anymore. Anyway, it ain’t important.

    It’s true that alums read this article and some might like it while others might not. I think, if one particular group (the latter) is significantly more than another, the Forum will probably hear from President Gann. haha

  8. Ok, i don’t know to whom my ‘yeah right’ comment was directed to anymore. Anyway, it ain’t important.

    It’s true that alums read this article and some might like it while others might not. I think, if one particular group (the latter) is significantly more than another, the Forum will probably hear from President Gann. haha

  9. Good stuff Alejandro. It’s just too bad that you are single-handedly causing CMC’s descent into poverty. Not to mention pissing off the religious fundamentalists who curse such pagan discussion. Come to think of it, you have probably just put all of CMC in danger.
    Oh no, Charlie or Charles or “bitter because his meat’s not wet” that means you are in danger too. Good luck with the ladies and stay “classy” bud.

  10. Good stuff Alejandro. It’s just too bad that you are single-handedly causing CMC’s descent into poverty. Not to mention pissing off the religious fundamentalists who curse such pagan discussion. Come to think of it, you have probably just put all of CMC in danger.
    Oh no, Charlie or Charles or “bitter because his meat’s not wet” that means you are in danger too. Good luck with the ladies and stay “classy” bud.

  11. “Communication lubricates all relationships” and “Lady parts for many are kind of like math for Pitzer students: a mysterious maze.”

    A Mitch is the man

  12. “Communication lubricates all relationships” and “Lady parts for many are kind of like math for Pitzer students: a mysterious maze.”

    A Mitch is the man

  13. Dear Girl who wrote in about oral sex,
    If things don’t work out with your boyfriend I’ll gladly go down on you whenever you ask.

  14. Dear Girl who wrote in about oral sex,
    If things don’t work out with your boyfriend I’ll gladly go down on you whenever you ask.

  15. yo mitch,
    you still owe me from dodgeball night. wear it!

    love,
    lekslethal

    ps, if we wanna make this an official sugardaddy relationship, please let me know

  16. yo mitch,
    you still owe me from dodgeball night. wear it!

    love,
    lekslethal

    ps, if we wanna make this an official sugardaddy relationship, please let me know

  17. This may be a day too late but last night Scripps hosted a seminar on the female orgasm. I noticed that very few CMC men attended !!!

    This is a big topic which I feel almost everyone should be aware of but the truth is that sexual education in America is atrocious and the women get the worst of it. This sexual negativity manifests itself even at the 5Cs. Thanks you A Mitch for trying to shed light on a topic our society spends 5 minutes talking about and tosses to the side for the rest of eternity.

  18. This may be a day too late but last night Scripps hosted a seminar on the female orgasm. I noticed that very few CMC men attended !!!

    This is a big topic which I feel almost everyone should be aware of but the truth is that sexual education in America is atrocious and the women get the worst of it. This sexual negativity manifests itself even at the 5Cs. Thanks you A Mitch for trying to shed light on a topic our society spends 5 minutes talking about and tosses to the side for the rest of eternity.

  19. Charlie, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you involved in a conversation where you didn’t come out looking like a complete tool, a blowhard with no equal and a closet homosexual with serious self-esteem issues. Don’t you have better things to do than incite flaming of yourself?

  20. Charlie, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you involved in a conversation where you didn’t come out looking like a complete tool, a blowhard with no equal and a closet homosexual with serious self-esteem issues. Don’t you have better things to do than incite flaming of yourself?

  21. And to Charles Johnson’s comment that he doesn’t talk about his sexual experiences, we all know that is a lie. He tells EVERYONE about them and submits CraigsList posts that are fairly explicit about what he likes.

    Oh my!

    • 1. I’m not a closet homosexual, a blowhard, a complete tool, or any of the other points that have been made. The person who went by “Charles Johnson” and made a crack about penis size wasn’t me. I asked Abhi to delete it because it was under my name.

      2. I have admitted to asking for dates on Craigslist in public. Indeed, I’ll go one step further. I admit to having dated women from Craigslist and I have admitted to having a great time doing so in Kansas City and Boston. In fact, I may even be writing something for the Forum on the virtues of Craigslist shopping and dating — virtues that I sorely miss now that I have a steady (non-Claremont) girlfriend.

      The post I wrote for Craigslist was very innocuous and I’d be more than willing to provide it to anyone who wants a copy. (That’s kind of creepy that you would want it, but hey, judge for yourself whether I was soliciting sex or whatever.)

      And contrary to whoever it was that said that I talk about sex, is clearly mistaken. I don’t talk. Others may talk about me, which they often do, but I don’t.

      Thanks and stay classy, Forum commenters.

  22. And to Charles Johnson’s comment that he doesn’t talk about his sexual experiences, we all know that is a lie. He tells EVERYONE about them and submits CraigsList posts that are fairly explicit about what he likes.

    Oh my!

    • 1. I’m not a closet homosexual, a blowhard, a complete tool, or any of the other points that have been made. The person who went by “Charles Johnson” and made a crack about penis size wasn’t me. I asked Abhi to delete it because it was under my name.

      2. I have admitted to asking for dates on Craigslist in public. Indeed, I’ll go one step further. I admit to having dated women from Craigslist and I have admitted to having a great time doing so in Kansas City and Boston. In fact, I may even be writing something for the Forum on the virtues of Craigslist shopping and dating — virtues that I sorely miss now that I have a steady (non-Claremont) girlfriend.

      The post I wrote for Craigslist was very innocuous and I’d be more than willing to provide it to anyone who wants a copy. (That’s kind of creepy that you would want it, but hey, judge for yourself whether I was soliciting sex or whatever.)

      And contrary to whoever it was that said that I talk about sex, is clearly mistaken. I don’t talk. Others may talk about me, which they often do, but I don’t.

      Thanks and stay classy, Forum commenters.

  23. As much as I disagree with pretty much everything Charles Johnson has ever said, attacking his personal life is really just pathetic. Grow up people.

  24. As much as I disagree with pretty much everything Charles Johnson has ever said, attacking his personal life is really just pathetic. Grow up people.

  25. Yeah, this patheticness just goes to show how immature and weak-minded CMCers are. To quote, “Here, you will never find a more wretched hive…”

  26. Yeah, this patheticness just goes to show how immature and weak-minded CMCers are. To quote, “Here, you will never find a more wretched hive…”

  27. Well, shit, girlfriend. The only man worth your time is one who will listen to your concerns, even if he doesn’t want to stick his tongue on your cooter. There’s nothing less appealing than a man who can’t communicate, although the drunken Pomona boy puking on Sixth street last weekend offered some pretty staunch competition. And remember, gentlemen: when a lady receives a little, it always makes her more inclined to give a little more. Cyndi Lauper may dress like a colorblind five-year-old, but she does know that girls do, indeed, just want to have fun.

    As for you, Charles baby, I can’t for the life of me figure out what turned you into such a Johnny Raincloud. Have you never experienced the pleasure of a naked lady? Or was the naked lady not mindful of her teeth while she was dining at the Y? I have no intention of attacking you, and really I’m not sure I want to know the answers to those questions. I just can’t figure you out. It could be that you just kick little kittens for fun. But seriously, my friend, even alums have bumped uglies, and presumably many even did it on the bed you now call your own (and they probably had a lot of fun in the process.)

    As for Mr. Mitchell’s two cents, I’m pretty sure there IS no article classier than this one. I think it’s ridiculous that people still have a problem with an open discussion of sex, seeing as it would be unhealthy to let issues like these, which affect so many people, fall by the wayside. In the end, the fact that AMitch has addressed the cunning linguist in such an articulate way makes the forum even more relevant and effective. It also makes him a stud who could make any respectable lady weak in the knees.

    XO

  28. Well, shit, girlfriend. The only man worth your time is one who will listen to your concerns, even if he doesn’t want to stick his tongue on your cooter. There’s nothing less appealing than a man who can’t communicate, although the drunken Pomona boy puking on Sixth street last weekend offered some pretty staunch competition. And remember, gentlemen: when a lady receives a little, it always makes her more inclined to give a little more. Cyndi Lauper may dress like a colorblind five-year-old, but she does know that girls do, indeed, just want to have fun.

    As for you, Charles baby, I can’t for the life of me figure out what turned you into such a Johnny Raincloud. Have you never experienced the pleasure of a naked lady? Or was the naked lady not mindful of her teeth while she was dining at the Y? I have no intention of attacking you, and really I’m not sure I want to know the answers to those questions. I just can’t figure you out. It could be that you just kick little kittens for fun. But seriously, my friend, even alums have bumped uglies, and presumably many even did it on the bed you now call your own (and they probably had a lot of fun in the process.)

    As for Mr. Mitchell’s two cents, I’m pretty sure there IS no article classier than this one. I think it’s ridiculous that people still have a problem with an open discussion of sex, seeing as it would be unhealthy to let issues like these, which affect so many people, fall by the wayside. In the end, the fact that AMitch has addressed the cunning linguist in such an articulate way makes the forum even more relevant and effective. It also makes him a stud who could make any respectable lady weak in the knees.

    XO

  29. @ A Lady,

    While this article rocks, by all means, you seem to have mistaken the line between articulate and classy. You can be classy without lowbrow humor.

    While I happen to like this humor, it’s more of a farce than anything else. To call it classy writing…denigrates classy writing.

    But hey, when one strings “toe-curling titillating tingle” together as alliteration… A+ in my mind. Honestly.

  30. @ A Lady,

    While this article rocks, by all means, you seem to have mistaken the line between articulate and classy. You can be classy without lowbrow humor.

    While I happen to like this humor, it’s more of a farce than anything else. To call it classy writing…denigrates classy writing.

    But hey, when one strings “toe-curling titillating tingle” together as alliteration… A+ in my mind. Honestly.

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