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*Cue the song “I’m the Plug” by Drake and Future*

Damn Maya, back at it again with the helpful advice!

(^No one has actually told me this yet, but I remain hopeful.)

Has your week been full of mixed signals and confusing vibes? I already know it has, because I read your questions. You guys are wild.

Come with me on this journey:

My suitemates are all exercise freaks, and I’m lazy. Does this mean I have to workout now?

Peer pressure will make you do a lot of things you don’t want to do. Trust me, I’ve been there. I used to have some roommates who were all about:

6 AM runs! Soulcycle! Pilates! Kayla Itsines BBG! [Insert workout trend]!

Honestly, it was just too much. I love eating cheese, taking naps, and not being sad! Don’t you? You have made it this far being generally inactive, and unless it is a legitimate health concern, you can probably go on being just as inactive as you always have been. Who cares if your roomies ~~judge~~ you. Your muscles may not be strong, but I know your ego is.

I had sex with three people recently, and one of them gave me chlamydia. What do I do?

You should CONTACT THEM. Let’s think rationally: Once upon a time, you did not have chlamydia. Now you do. Don’t you want to know where it came from? Who you got it from? Who you gave it to? If you didn’t answer “yes” to all of those questions, you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, literally.

I’m also assuming you want the least amount of people possible knowing about your newly acquired STI and your drunk, or not drunk, hookup choices. You’re going to have to contact all three people, so hopefully no one involved has a big mouth or a love of rumor spreading. But seriously, just man/woman up and straighten out your issue like the mature person you are. Also go to a doctor and get ya business checked out. P.S. Chlamydia has a cure. It’s antibiotics. I Googled it, so I know. And now you know.

How can I determine if someone just wants to hookup or if they want to be in a relationship with me?

I get it. You need to know if they “luv” you or if they “love” you. Unfortunately, you’re never really going to know unless you ask. To help you out, I’ve set up some guidelines that you can follow:

Comes over at 2 AM and leaves before you wake up = luv

Comes over at a decent hour and leaves after making you breakfast = love

Already has a significant other = you know you’re the side-boo, right?

Introduces you to parents = love

Doesn’t know your name = this isn’t even luv

How do I survive in the Claremont?

Read my column. Duh.



[Note: The opinions that are reflected in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Maya Guerrant or the Claremont Consortium, blah, blah, blah.]

Have a question for Maya? Ask it here!