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*queue the song Hype by Drake*

Hello everyone, my name is Maya, I’m lactose intolerant, and this year, I am here to tell you what I think about your roommate who says “bruh” three times per sentence, your professor who doesn’t understand your creative **flow**, and other end-of-the-world problems that you may have. I know most of you are probably wondering who I am, and there is really only one thing you need to know:

I am a pretty cool senior.

I also have a lot of wisdom, and that’s a pretty impressive thing to have at such a young age.

We are all returning to Claremont to study and lie to our parents about how much partying goes down, and frankly, I am concerned that all of you don’t have enough advice to start off the new year. I was so troubled that I went to the lengths to collect a series of questions from the random alumni who were on my plane trip to Ontario Airport. These are the questions they wished they had the answers to when they were in college.

Is Tinder a good way to make friends?

It’s funny that you asked because one woman, who was probably over 60 years old, just asked me how Tinder worked. So, naturally, I showed her how to use it. She’s out there right now, as we speak, catfishing people (not my idea, of course) with pictures of Bella Hadid.

But I do have one question: is that what the kids are doing these days? When I was your age, Facebook was actually cool, but now we’ve moved on to catfishing people?! Well, dear reader, to answer your question, Tinder is one way to make friends but maybe not the way. If we are anything alike, I think you’ll find that there are easier ways of making friends. Like going outside.

I’m on the waiting list for a class I really want, but haven’t gotten in yet. Classes start so soon! What should I do to increase my chances of getting into my class? Also, should I bring my professors a classroom-warming gift on the first day of classes?

Well I know you’re on the computer right now, refreshing your webpage and waiting for a spot to open up in your class. Get away from your computer! Step away from the cyber world to the real world! Go to your professor’s office hours. Have a nice chat about what you can do to get into the class, but DON’T LOOK DESPERATE. Being desperate is a weakness. You aren’t weak! Maintain your calm, friend. And don’t follow your professor home in attempts to talk to him/her about getting into their class. That’s creepy. You aren’t creepy.

About sucking up to your professor: Dude/dudette, I feel you. I get it. We all want to be liked, especially by our professors. But I hate to break it to you, this isn’t elementary school and you aren’t 7 years old! You don’t need to give them something for them to like you. You’re a beautiful cherub who can get A’s without bribing anyone.

Jealous that your question didn’t get answered? Doooooon’t *in Bryson Tiller’s voice*. Submit your questions to this form, and I’ll answer it. But only if I want to, because I do what I want.

[**Note: The opinions that are reflected in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Maya Guerrant or the Claremont Consortium, blah, blah, blah.]