In Honor of Snow Leopard

Humor, Life by Carl Peaslee — September 5, 2009 at 2:46 pm | 3 comments | | Print

I’m usually impressed with the level of discourse at CMC. It’s intriguing to hear my classmates discuss the big topics of the day. But recently, I’ve overheard or been dragged into hackneyed discussions that leave me cringing.  I know the new freshmen are eager to sink their teeth into some friendly collegiate discourse but I for one would just rather avoid the chore of hearing two fervent froshs debating like there is a professor watching.

CMC vs. Pomona, Free Will vs. Predestination, Natural Light vs. Coors Light, Obamacare Death Factories vs. Free Market Death Factories, Harvesting Murdered Unborn Babies for Their Stem Cells vs. Letting Dick Cheney Eat Them, etc. I’m sick of them all. But these topics are mere irritants compared to one discussion: Mac vs. PC.

Hi. Nice to meet you, new freshman. I’m glad you chose CMC. You’re out on your own now and you’re excited because your parents got you a brand new laptop for college? They even let you pick it out!?

And oh! you’re so excited about your new MacBook!? Oh it’s so clean? So fast? You love Garageband? Cool! But guess what? I don’t give a fuck!

Oh, hey other new freshman. You chose a PC? Because it was cheaper? Uh huh. And because you like to play World of Warcraft? uh huh nerd. WELL, GUESS WHAT? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!

That’s right. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I bought a Mac and I’m happy. I’m also ok that you have a PC. I don’t work for Mac; I’m not some sort of Applevangelist; I don’t care what kind of computer you have as long as you don’t send me those damn “.docx” files and expect me to open them.

People always want to know why I have a Mac, why I made “the switch,” that huge religious conversion from a poly-buttonistic mouse to a mono-buttonistic mouse. And I’ll tell you just like I’ve told my friends, old people on the bus, and my aunts: “Because you don’t get spyware when you download videos of nuns getting gang-banged by pterodactyls.” (Abhi wouldn’t let me hyperlink that sentence.)

Is that the only reason? No. But it is the most important one. Now I could go on and list every pro and con and if I was a true Mac user I would do it in a sarcastic and condescending way — but I’ll spare you.

I’ve heard every up and I’ve heard every down and if I bought another computer today it would be a Mac.  But that’s not supposed to come as some overall endorsement of the Apple Corporation. For instance, if Microsoft released an operating system tomorrow that didn’t pick up viruses like a Mexican swine and have the usability and aesthetics of a port-a-potty made entirely of browning iceberg lettuce, I could easily consider switching.

In short, if I ever hear wind of this dispute, the debaters had better watch out. I will personally punch them in the face – unless of course I have my iPod, in which case I’d bet I could find an app for that.