Congressmen Say The Darnedest Things

By Jesse Blumenthal | June 30, 2010 at 7:00 am | Humor, Life, Opinion | 30 comments | |

Writer’s Disclaimer: This post is horrendously biased, partisan, and hopefully funny. Enjoy.

Those of you who know me know that I am obsessed, likely to an unhealthy degree, with all things politics. I love the ephemera most of all. Sure we could have a substantive policy discussion about the relative virtues of the Senate and House versions of the Child Nutrition reauthorization bill, the merits and scope of ‘doc-fix,’ or the finer points of PEPFAR…but Viagra jokes and dorky white guys are just more fun.

Now, I do not claim that this is an exhaustive list of Congressional foibles, but they made me laugh.

This being my second summer in DC I thought I would take this opportunity to share with you some of  gems spewed forth by certain members of Congress. Often times Washington is criticized as “Hollywood for ugly people,” well CMC it’s time for you to meet some of the starlets. Let’s take a gander at what the series of tubes has offered us as of late.

Hank Johnson (D-Crazytown): As you will soon see, it’s not a good idea for Rep. Johnson’s staff to let him go off-script. It is, however, fantastic for everyone else when he does.

The Congressman has a knack for asking the questions that no one else has thought to ask, like will Guam tip over if we built a Navy base there…seriously, he asked that.

Ok, but everyone asks a weird question once in a while, right? Don’t you dare underestimate Hank.

Here’s Hank Johnson wondering if his microphone might need some encouragement to stay up. (Yeah, it’s a dick joke)

Here’s Hank Johnson musing about the virtues of our civil justice system. For example, “if you want to know…how many times your neighbor has beat his wife” you can find that at the courthouse… truly strange and well worth the 6 minutes of your time.

Steve Cohen (D – Funkytown): Now as you all know, Jews are world renowned for our dancing abilities. Whether it be getting up on a roof, or throwing people out of chairs, my people know how to get down. That’s why it was so disapointing to see this video of Rep. Steve Cohen. Cohen represents Tennessee’s 9th Congressional District which is almost 60% black (look, a fact!) and so Steve Cohen must be ever vigilant in his quest to show that he is ‘down’ with the people; this man knows how to boogie.

This is why Jews (sorry Matisyahu and Eric Scott) shouldn’t rap. Sweat drenched polo shirt and dockers, blackberry on his hip, this fella is hood.

Yes, there’s more…

Bob Etheridge (D – Smackdown): You might be a redneck if you get suddenly violent when college-age video trackers ask you if you “support the Obama agenda”?

Rep. Etheridge, proof that steroids can ruin any sport…

Congressional Black Caucus (Ethics Watchdogs): The Congressional Black Caucus has picked a fight, locked in their sight is the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE). Who is leading this valiant effort? Rep. Marcia Fudge. What possible motive could Fudge have to pick this particular fight? Well, her Chief of Staff  Dawn Kelly Mobley was admonished by the House Ethics Committee for counseling an outside group on how to circumvent House disclosure requirements.

So these members might have a gripe, what’s the funny part? Well, one of the co-sponsors is Rep. Alcee Hastings. That name familiar? Well it should be Alcee Hastings, while serving as a federal judge, was impeached by the House and removed from office. One of only 6 judges in US history to be impeached and removed from office. Wow.

Other CBC members who have been investigated by OCE, the Ethics Committee, or the Department of Justice include: Reps. Rangel, Jefferson, Thompson, Clarke, Payne, Kilpatrick, Christensen, Hastings, Jackson Jr., Watt, and Senator Burris.

Alright, now before I get a series of angry comments pointing out that both parties are guilty of ethical lapses, I grant your point….

But seriously folks, Alcee Hastings talking about ethics is like:

• (a) Michael Jackson talking about child care
• (b) Osama bin Laden practicing non-violent protest
• (c) Dora smiling
• (d) John Edwards not being scum of the earth
• (e) all of the above

Take your pick, CMC.