Five Guys You Date at CMC

By Katya Abazajian | April 12, 2012 at 8:00 am | Life, Opinion | 46 comments | |

This is you. And these are five guys you might date at CMC:

The SIF Genius

His ego is large enough to fill Bauer. His life goal is to be Warren Buffet. His favorite movie is Wall Street.  Work hard, play hard was always your motto, but he takes it to a whole other level. Devotee of Henry Kravis, he chooses Benjamins over you because in the end, you’re the one that depreciates faster. He doesn’t have time to encourage your menial toils, but the week before his Robert Day Scholars application was due, you brought him coffee on the hour. The more time you spend around him, the more you feel that your entrepreneurial skills are not up to par. But while he’s busy planning to ride the success train all the way to endless 280-hour workweeks, you decide to focus on the few years of coddled, Claremont life you have left…

The College Park Recluse

He doesn’t really go to parties, in fact, he doesn’t really go to anything, but he’s perfect for you, because, like him, you are “so over the college thing.” But there’s a minor setback: He lives far. Really far (or just Claremont far). Pomona, the apartments, College Park, whatever – it’s far. He won’t pick you up, you can’t find a ride, and in the end, you’re left defending yourself against Sixth Street stalkers, trying not to become the subject-line of a campus wide security alert. You then walk of shame back in your best John Belushi toga, looking like a rabid raccoon. He didn’t wake up to make you eggs or even pop tarts.  Until they build a zip-line from College Park to Collins brunch, the prospects for your new beau don’t look good.  Maybe someone a little closer…

The Green Beach Bro

You were tanning on Green Beach one mild spring day when you caught his eye. Or you think he did – between the shades and the low brim, it was hard to tell. The farmer’s tan is not your style, but you’ll go for it for access to his extensive tank collection. He’s very proud of his collection of sick jams, constantly heard over Parents field from his $700 speakers. From the moment he wakes up to the moment he longboards to Collins for dinner, he lays out on the beach to the point where you wonder if he’s actually that chill or just dead. Eventually his laziness starts to rub off on you and you wake up to Manfred Keil cold-calling you in Metrics as you beg yourself to become a functional human being again…

The Sexy Starkie

He really wants to date you. Wait, he wants to date you? There must be something wrong with him. No male in his right mind would let your inebriated self out to Rage the Cage and still welcome you into his pastel-clad, alcohol-free arms. Even when he does lose his composure/sobriety, he only gets more adorable. When you tell people whom you’re dating, they smile and gush about how great he is. You pat yourself on the back for bagging such a cutie, but when he starts asking you to miss Pub to stay in and watch Modern Family, you realize that dating him is like dating a less famous Michael Cera, pre-Youth in Revolt. You decide that your badass-ness will probably corrupt him, and you need to find someone more on your level…

The “What is SLC” Bad Boy

You were never really attracted to guys like him before, but somewhere between high school graduation and W.O.A., a wave of bad-boy want came over you. He always smells like smoke or pinecone, but it really adds to his man smell. He’s never attended a sober event in his life – including class. The fights he picks with his roommate, his suitemates, CampSec, Pamela Gann… You thought it was charming before, but the thought dawns on you that maybe his behavior spells mental instability. His dark side draws you towards him, because you know you can change him. You thought you could handle it, because hey, after climbing on the roof of Green, you’re a bad girl, too. But actually, you’re not, and the 4 AM surprise visits are not helping your sleep patterns. A girl like you deserves a normal college experience, free from the threat of impromptu hospital visits, so instead, you turn your focus to your GPA, your upcoming summer internship, and your next outfit for pub.