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Dear A Mitch: Spring Break and Play
Dear A Mitch,
Spring break is coming up and I am visiting friends for the week. My girlfriend is going on a cruise to Mexico. I believe her when she says she isn’t going to hook up with anyone, but I have some serious trust issues. There are going to be a lot of CMCers on this cruise, and I’m scared she is going to really embarrass me. Not to mention Mexico is somewhere I think she shouldn’t be going right now with the surge in murders and kidnappings.
My Man,
Ah, the Ensenada, Los Cabos Mexican spring break cruise? Well I’m going on that so I can watch her for you. I usually charge $100 a day for stalking but I’ll do it for $80. If she’s fit.
On the real, I think you have to ask yourself where these trust issues come from. Has she wronged you? Seriously embarrassed you in the past? Or is she just a flirtatious lady who enjoys the attention of making other people smile? Or is it that you don’t trust yourself to stay faithful and are displacing your potential infidelity on her? I don’t know the answers to these questions, yet I do know that regardless of why you feel this way, in no possible situation can this help your relationship.
Being in a relationship with trust issues is like buying shoes that are too small. You’ll never be comfortable unless you cut off your toes, and eventually you have to do what’s best, buy some shoes that fit. However it is possible to walk barefoot, exposing yourself to an open road. Treat your trust issues like the Cowboys did TO. Because honestly, letting jealousy eat you up is pointless. You can be obsessive about what your girl could hypothetically be doing with another guy, or you can chill, knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. If she’s going to cheat, why do you want to be with her anyway? Relieve your stress. Ask her to be faithful, and drop it. Just hope she doesn’t run into my cruisemate, Austin Soldner.
As for the hostility in Mexico, I don’t think the port visits last too long. No doubt there is risk in meandering around Mexico, but she’ll be with a huge group of friends. Plus I’ll be around to cry us out of any real trouble.
Sincerely,
A Mitch
Dear A Mitch,
I struggle hugely. I cannot seem to get any play. I swear I am not a bad looking guy and I have a little class. It always seems like I’m on the right track, but then I blackout. I need sober game.
Chiefton,
Sober Game Note #1: Don’t get so fucked up you lose all the progress you made when you were sober. Drunk hook-ups can be the A plus, but most girls, even the drunkest, have at least a fraction of sense when it comes to hooking up with a guy who is wearing it harder than Killa Cam Cain’s first Calculus midterm. Is 8% good?
Sober Game Note # 2: Be a classy man. Yes it’s true some girls like bad boys. If that’s not you’re forte though, show her good intentions and amiability. Guys depend on all different qualities to get them girls: their strapping calves, their knowledge of geography, the sobriety of prey, their rapping skills, their awards for excellence in conservative journalism, GHB, but what falls between the cracks is simply the words and gestures of a classy man. Classy men do this: they hold the door and compliment a girl on the most specific thing identifiable. Like a hairdo. Or a ring. Maybe her fly ass purse? And smile while doing it, show a genuine interest.
Sober Game Note # 3: I know you’ve heard this, debes pedir preguntas! But specific questions. Not, “how’s school,” or “Did I see you last night? Yeah I blacked out too!” Try something like, “Hey Barbara, I got a question for you. Would you rather be a hippo or an eagle? Cause think about it, if you were a hippo you could just be fat, happy and lie around all day occasionally getting down. But if you were an eagle you could fly, so dope, AND you would have the respect of the entire US. No play for eagles though. What do you think?” If she thinks you’re weird for this, fuck it, she probably prefers Sagecock.
Sober Game Note # 4: Like Seth Rogan once said, you have to plant seeds. Most of your seeds will probably be eaten by rabbits, but with tender care, the plant you spend quality, non-pressured time with should be the plant that feeds you. Let that aloe vera enrich your skin.
One last note: girls talk. So trying to skeez on a different girl every weekend gives you that GM stock. What you want is that chicken stock (always satisfying), attained by going after your rosebud whom needs some sun. Get bloomed on chief.
Sincerely,
A Mitch
More posts by Alex »
Alex Mitchell
Alex Mitchell, know to most as A Mitch, is a transfer student from Portland, OR. He is a psychology and film studies major who hopes one day to write somewhere in the entertainment industry. A Mitch has a black belt in wit, which combined with his unconventional writing style gives readers a break from the linguistic complexities of college curriculum and a chance to reacquaint themselves with everyday life, in a jovial manner. As the social advice columnist, A Mitch attempts to glue the drama of college together by guiding the lost and amusing the rest.
15 Comments
2009-03-08
14:34:04
best post ever.... amitch is getting better and better as the year goes on. i especially like sober game note #2 in this post
2009-03-08
14:36:02
we respectfully resent the last paragraph in this post.
2009-03-08
14:37:08
we have so much game you dont even know how much game we have
2009-03-08
18:37:08
Worst post I've ever seen on this blog. Its not that the content is bad, its that the poster sounds like a creeper and he uses phrases and words which take awhile to parse. Therefore, I'll summarize the post
Question 1
1. If your girl is going to cheat, she'll do it, and you'll never know, so jealously is an archaic and unncessary emotion. It can only harm a relationship. Get rid of it ASAP
2. Mexico's crime rates are overblown and especially on a cruise, she'll be safe.
Question 2
1. Be congruent with your actions. If you must be drunk to hook up with someone, then you'll always need to be drunk to hook p with someone. Alcohol is a handicap and a benefit. Learn to balance these two aspects of alcohol, and you'll be fine.
2. Don't listen to sober note #2. Being a nice guy is fine, but being a nice guy just to get a girl is our modern equivalent of johns and prostitutes. You wouldn't trick a girl into having sex with you, would you? You wouldn't pay a girl to have sex with you, would you? If your answer to these questions are no, then you truly are a nice guy (or you are a libertarian who is okay with prostitution) so just keep on being classy. If you would trick a girl by being nice, then you are only interested in a hookup, so just find the drunkest girl with a broken heel and go for it.
3. Engage the girl and build rapport. Ask her fun and engaging topics and be different from everyone else who hits on her by asking for her year and her major.
4. Whether you want a relationship or a hookup, its a numbers game. You need to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince, and you need to dance with a lot of drunk girls to find one willing to hookup with little effort.
2009-03-08
23:38:18
Dear Hater,
Thank you for dumbing down a post that is read by college students who on the regular decipher Locke, Descartes, and Marx. See, my metaphors, colloquialisms, whatever you want to call them are simply there to make my replies to basic questions a little more interesting. I'd rather paint a picture instead of responding numerically like you have done.
Chief, if you read #2 you would see I wrote show, "genuine interest." Being genuine means that you are not just acting nice to get play.
Your number four is wrong. I think one should talk to a number of girls, and spend time with one who is worth it to have a better chance at getting play. More effort is required.
As far as being a creep, you obviously don't know me.
2009-03-09
12:21:00
the game-
what would you know about game? you probably spend the majority of your time reading blogs that are 1/100 of as good as a mitch's. and the other majority of your time is probably spent beating off to your text book or eskimotube.com.
amitch spits knowledge.
2009-03-08
23:44:00
The Game...... not quite, if you do not enjoy reading this self help, or if you think that you are better than A-mitch, why don't you start your own blog? Seems nice and fortunate for you to blast someone else while you sit there playing with yourself instead of reading the blog with a light-hearted attitude. From what i have read so far from A-Mitch, he is a guy who enjoys what he does and tries to take fun and inventive route to impart some social knowledge. Relax man and stop hating! you come off sounding like a real jackass.
2009-03-08
23:49:49
Dear "The Game",
I couldn't disagree more with your opinion. If I wanted the summary I would have called spark notes.
Look at your post summarizing his article.... seriously now.... --> hugely boring writing style+huge chief author= HUGE WEAR IT<---
Not only does A-Mitch answer questions in a clever and humorous way, he does so with a brilliant style of prose.
You don't like it. Don't read it.
Quit sippin' on your Hateraid
Keep thuggin' A-Mitch
2009-03-08
23:52:35
A Mitch once again you have solved problems in an enlightening manner in which I am able to gain some valuable knowledge while being entertained. If The Game cannot parse out your advice quickly take that as a compliment to your knowledge and an insult to his. Mr. Game calls you a creeper, but mimics your advice with less flash and contradictions. How can you claim that your game should be classy and then hopefully find the drunkest beezy in the place to hookup with? Figure it out Mr. Lame, A Mitch already has and that is why he is writing for the Forum and you are not.
2009-03-08
23:54:36
reading the game's version of the amitch post is like reading the abridged version of a classic Shakespeare play....yea you know that romeo and juliet both die, but you get none of the nuanced genius behind the words...the guy who writes the abridged version is some chief writing in cubicle...Shakespeare was so clean, we dont even know who he really was! the game, im calling you out, you haterade sipping, spark notes reading, summarizing wombat. like a close friend would say, you aint no doctor
2009-03-09
01:07:58
i thought it was a great post.
stop with the anonymous internet hate, people
2009-03-09
10:57:32
Hi Hater-
It's all good A-Mitch. Usually when you got haters you know you're doin something right. Keep doin your thing, I love readin the posts. Not only are they hilarious, but hopefully it'll help me be able to get some play for once in my life. The Game's a dumbass who wishes he did something as productive with his life and he's obviously a tad bit jealous. But that's ok, I think there's a spot on the girl's lacrosse team waiting for him...wear it.
2009-03-09
15:27:38
A Mitch speaks the truth... don't hate him because he is beautiful... or has an excellent vocabulary
2009-03-09
19:29:54
Definitely agreed. Classiness is good. But then what does it say for the girls that we see out at TNC and weekends, most of the ones we know hookup with basically, some pretty dirty guys. It's good to know the classy people that go out and party. Some of those ladies would do good to remember that, cause a whole bunch of them on campus are pretty skeezy. You want to talk skeezy? Jeez, ladies...
2009-03-25
14:17:44
you are the best a-mitch