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Dear A Mitch,

I’m in a great relationship and I truly love my boyfriend. He’s a fantastic person to spend time with.  Although we are a bit away from graduating, I can foresee us being together after college. The only thing I am somewhat concerned about is the fact that he’s a little sexually conservative. We have sex, but I often get bored with what seems like the same process every time. I need some more sexual creativity in my life. Got any ideas or ways to approach him about this?

-Not Starving , Just Wanting

Freak Nasty,

Yes. I have a yoga poster with tons of ideas: The Raven Swoop, The Mellow Horse, Downward Facing Antelope, Stir the Honey. I’m not sure if every move is physically possible and I think you have to be pregnant for at least one of them, but if you want to borrow it until Missionary style is retro cool, feel free. It’s tacked up in our lounge so the freshman
are reminded daily of their pledge to please women (or men) – a pledge of hope and courage, of commitment and resilience.

So you have some sexual complacency? Dang. I remember when a good old necking would suffice. Now everyone needs a Nimbus 2000 and a gallon of Astroglide to lubricate their love. Before marriage too. And that’s the real problem; sex before marriage. Unless you’re doing oral. Or anal. Then it’s cool, I think. If you were a homosexual man you’d be fine except for the whole homosexual man thing. God has all angles covered. Which you should too. Did I tell you about this poster I have?

I don’t think I’ve ever met a guy who doesn’t have strange fantasies about what they want to do with a girl. Actually admitting to these yearnings is another story. You’re not alone. There is this underlying anxiety that your partner will be put off by your requests, which is a valid fear. Not everyone is liberal in their love-making and no one wants to be that weirdo who tried to introduce a double headed dildo to their boo. Nevertheless, if this is important to you, you have to show him why.

I’ve said this many times, and I believe it to be fairly true (at least among the perverted characters of my thoughts): sexually dominant women are undeniably enticing. Whether you’re at an Ath dinner or sitting in Poppa lab, a whispered, “I’m going to fuck your brains out tonight” is a resonating sentence. Like a short story, a heavy dose of tension makes for an exhilarating climax. So you say something similar…

Now you’re in bed. Striped Target sheets are warming up beneath your bodies. You’re envisioning the well-charted next step, the usual route to comfortable contentment. Then you brake, do “the move less practiced,” and give him something you haven’t before. Guide his hands to the spots you crave them, relaying how amazing this shaking means you feel. Don’t be nervous, passion should be the only vibe swimming through your mind. Ask him what he wants. Be generous. If he tells you he doesn’t know, respond with hot breath on his neck, and delicately taunt him like the exhausting thoughts now dampening your pants as I write this erotic novel.

Deep breath. Swell job.

As you lay naked on a blanketless bed listening to the indie love jams from Kelsey Brown, relay exactly how astounding his performance was. Root his confidence deep so it can grow like a fine California vine around your body, coming to fruition with staggering intoxication.

Then you bask in what you’ve created; a stronger bond, a healthier mindset, better sex. Goodness in something already good. Be happy. Sex has incredible potential. Not everyone knows. Spread the word on condoms campus-wide.

Sincerely,

A Mitch

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