Dear A Mitch: Waxing and Waning

Life by Alex Mitchell — February 2, 2010 at 2:06 pm | 7 comments | | Print

Dear A Mitch,

I can’t think of a real good reason to get bikini waxes. Yet, every four weeks I pay $60 to sit through 25 minutes of often-excruciating pain and awkward conversations with my waxer. Even if it is appreciated by my sexual partners, the pain and expense is always one-sided because there is no real expectation for guys to groom themselves. I could shave, but the results are far from ideal (and I really don’t feel comfortable using sharp dangerous objects in those hard to reach places!).  So I go get waxed. I feel like it is a requirement and that if I didn’t, I would be undesirable. Is all of this trouble really worth it, and do guys really care as much as we think they do? And if so, why is it so unsexy for a woman to look like a mature woman and not a prepubescent girl??

Mole Rat,

Ahh pubic hair, my favorite. Honestly, I have no idea why guys don’t like it. I mean, Jesus, the audacity people have these days to turn down an A+ whisker biscuit. Who created these norms anyway, the Taliban? That’s worth an invasion in itself. Just think of all the cancer patients that dream about having a big ole haystack between their legs. It’s sad really, a reality nonetheless.

My lady, your question fits nicely into the vast category that is gender inequality, the majority of which are based on unjustified, misogynistic, and oppressive social norms– the motivation behind feminist force. And for that, on the behalf of men, I am sorry. Sorry that it has become an expectation rather than a choice based solely on your personal preferences. However I wonder if it is actually a huge hindrance for all women? I don’t have a vagina, but I imagine that for many women, pubie shaving is just part of a weekly process that simply requires a little more effort and finesse than the legs.

In contrast to the opinions of my alter ego in paragraph one, I think many men prefer little to no hair for a few reasons. One is that oral sex on an unkempt woman is about as appealing as bobbing for apples in a Marks Hall toilet. If she’s not a Fuji, forget it. And this isn’t a double standard, because men have outies, which means that unless the guy has a daffodil in the Amazon, your contact with his curls is minimal. Although I will note, not all men share an interest in naked vag. In fact, many are weirded out by naked kitties, the association to a child too close for comfort.

Another reason is aesthetic appeal. Fair or not, the norm of naked is trim and cute, for both sexes. For the most part, sexual media is cleanly cut, and as products of our culture, we seek to imitate what we are told is attractive.

As for the men you think lack the pressure to tidy their thicket, I say you might be hooking up with the wrong dudes. I’m not really the expert on the norms of male grooming, but if the rogue locks on my bathroom floor denote anything, it is that men are doing some sort of deforestation. I doubt many men practice testicular waxing, but who can blame them, that would be like trying to pull gorilla glue off silly putty. Scrotums would age thirty years in one wax.

Who knows, you might try sprouting a few, or you may find your Brillo pillow less comfortable than a clean canvas. In the end, like most things in life, it is only worth it if it makes you happy. If a man finds he is ready to judge you on your Velcro love triangle, he probably isn’t the right guy for you. So do what feels good, and be sexy.

A Mitch

Dear A Mitch,

Over the past few months I have successfully abandoned all of my morals and completely lost any trace of dignity I once had.  I never imagined I would be the type of person to cheat, much less the type of person to ruin someone else’s relationship, and yet, that is exactly the position in which I now find myself.  I met this older guy, fully aware of his marriage from the very beginning, and immediately felt the attraction.  It didn’t take long for things to spiral completely out of control.  Before I knew it, we were sneaking around at all hours of the night and slipping out of sight in public places when a familiar face was spotted.  I cringe every time I think of the reality of this situation; I pretty much feel sick all the time now, and yet I cannot get this man out of my head.  I have a lot of anger toward him and myself, but I’m not totally sure I want to end our secret relationship.  What should I do?

Commandment Breaker,

Hell is not as cool as religion has made it out to be. Fire, demons, soul wrenching pain, yeah right. Try stale hot dogs, plaque colored clouds, and ShamWow-endorsed curtains. You’ll go crazier than I do reading the serious comments on satirical YouTube videos. Sexyphatgurl16 says: Aww hells naw that ain’t reel!

Soo, it sounds like you are in a love affair without a love song, in a habit of having what you don’t want? Maybe an affair with no love or music at all, just the hot/cold rhythm of half-clothed lust, hips humping until your passion resolves into self-loathing guilt. Whatever it is, he is a drug, and you are addicted. He is immediate gratification, a temptation with high highs, and low lows, and he’s going to drag you down emotionally until you realize the chances of this ending well are about small as the sober population at Thursday night Snack.

You are either going to be the other woman, the woman he leaves his wife for, or just maybe the woman his wife goes to jail for murdering. Who knows? But if you have some little fantasy about him leaving her for you, remember relationships based on lies and betrayal are about as strong as underwear elastic on Tequila Tuesdays. Someone’s getting fucked.

Look, I know you hate yourself for what you are doing. It is easy to fall into a groove of I already did the deed, might as well do it again. I imagine that is how old people get boring. Frasier reruns again? But see, the difference between another booty call for you and another for your lover is ultimately your happiness. Your happiness comes first. I don’t mean in a selfish way, just that a healthy mindset is generally a happy one, and your hotel hookups aren’t helping. Why perpetuate this vicious cycle of internal disappointment?

You want change? Nothing is more powerful than a woman who knows what she wants. You gotta gather the strength to look him dead in the eyes and say you are done disrespecting yourself, and moreover,  done disrespecting this woman who is currently steeping in the saliva of her husband’s mendacious debauchery. So invite him to coffee on a weekend afternoon. Be as blunt as you can about it, but try to stay away from voicing your opinions about his morality. Mold the discussion around your needs. Calling him a bad person might be what you really want to say, and it is deserved, but it is only going to rile him up. Plus, if I’m not mistaken, you’re kind of in the same canoe with him.

So just tell him how you feel, how angry you are with yourself when you sit panty-less and empty after his lunch break. You dominate the discussion, because in the end, this needs to be over, not adjusted. There is nothing he can say to change the situation and when you successfully relay this, hopefully he will grasp your message, no matter how disillusioned he is about his own reality.

A Mitch

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