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PS Don’t die in Mexico

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America will be celebrating tonight…and not just in New Orleans. Attention CMC: Collins dining hall is representing southern style tonight. The dinner menu includes vegetable jambalaya, sausage gumbo, and “Po Boy” shrimp sandwiches…and if they are as bold as last year, I think I remember alligator being served (for all of our adventurous readers out there). In French, Mardi Gras means “fat Tuesday,” and let’s be real, it’s an aptly named holiday…at least I plan on eating a lot.

Fun Fact: Bob Dylan’s 1965 hit “Mr. Tambourine Man” is about Mardi Gras.

Here is a list of the propositions that were available to me. To make this fun for the whole family I’ve decided to take the “two truths and a lie” route. Eight of the following ten scenarios are real-life Super Bowl XLIII wagers via Las Vegas and online sports betting. In addition to giving you the spreads (what you would win/what you would lose), I provide in-depth, “expert” analysis on the current lines leading up to the game. Can you guess which bets are “fact or crap”? Which three bets did I wager on?…

A)
Wager is on what Commercial will be the highest rated on the USA Today Annual Super Bowl Ad Meter.
Anheuser-Busch / Budweiser 10/13
Go Daddy.com 17/2
Pepsi 15/4
Coca-Cola 21/4
McDonald’s 29/4
Doritos 17/4
Other 9/4

Analysis:
The college student in me wanted to wage for yet another Budweiser sweeping. But then again, even the timeless montage of a horse and Dalmatian galloping to the tune of Rocky can get old… After all these years you would think that horse would have kicked the bucket or thrown in that proverbial towel. Come to think of it… I’ve got a great Elmer’s glue ad in mind.

My Pick: Other

B)
Super Bowl XLIII- Which team will have the most players facing criminal charges the night prior Super Bowl XLIII? Each player legally convicted of misdemeanor charges within the calendar year awarded 0.5 points, each player convicted of Felony charges within the calendar year awarded 1.0 points. If no, or equal, criminal charges occur, bet is void.

Pittsburgh Wins 13/10
Arizona Wins 5/2
No Charges 7/10

Analysis:

When it comes to criminal tomfoolery, youth always wins. Being the younger team, the Cardinals would be the favorite here. To further investigate, I picked the brain of an anonymous celebrity attorney. The better question as the great Charlie Sheen so eloquently stated, “Was [insert Cardinal player name here] simply paying the prostitute to leave”?

My Pick: Arizona Wins

C)
Super Bowl XLIII – Which QB Will John Madden mention by Full name first after the Opening Kickoff?
The First QB’s Full Name used by John Madden after the games opening kickoff will be settled as the winner.
Ben Roethlisberger +170
Kurt Warner -210

Analysis:
What would you get if a linguistics professor, statistician and gambler conceived a child in a typical “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” scenario? A great Jerry Springer episode for one; you’d also get an incredibly random wager. Unfortunately this ugly love-child left Vegas and entered my sports betting account. How could I resist? As for the odds… clearly they’re forgetting that John Madden weighs like 300 lbs.

My Pick: Ben Roethlis”burger”…. mmmmmm…

D)
Super Bowl XLIII – Will Matt Millen pick the correct team to win Super Bowl XLIII during the Pre Game Show.
Matt Millen must pick a team to win Super Bowl XLIII for wagers to have action.
Yes -215
No +175

Analysis:
Now this is a real head scratcher. Why would I ever want to pick a Super Bowl winner, when I could have the worst general manager of all time decide for me? After watching the product that was the 2008 Lions, I wouldn’t wager Monopoly money on a “Millen team”.

My Pick: No

E)
Super Bowl XLIII – Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the Game thank first?
Wager is on Interview done with the Super Bowl MVP on field during the Trophy Presentation only.
God 2/3
Family 21/4
Teammates 2/1
Coach 19/2
Does not Thank Anyone 5/1

Analysis:
The Super Bowl MVP should thank God. Clearly he put combating disease, warfare, and world hunger on hold to provide you the competitive edge. Isn’t that what friends are for?

My Pick: God

F)
Super Bowl XLIII – Where will the SuperBowl MVP announce he (or she to be PC) is going following the game?
Disneyland 1/5
Locker Room 4/1
“Gentleman’s” Club 500/1
Other 15/4

Analysis:
The Sports Marketer in me is screaming Disneyland. The teammate in me is begging locker room. The Realist (“Pacman” Jones) in me suggests “making it rain” in the club. After losing an arm and an ear in the plunging stock market, Mickey Mouse won’t “show [Joe MVP] the money”. Besides, they’re in Florida, technically Disney World would be more practical (save on the traveling costs).

My pick: Other

G)
Super Bowl XLIII – What will happen with the Stock Market the day after Super Bowl XLIV?
Simply predict whether the New York Stock Exchange Index will be up or down at the end of trading Monday February 2nd .
Pittsburgh Wins Market Up 13/10
Pittsburgh Wins Market Down 13/10
Arizona Wins Market Up 33/10
Arizona Wins Market Down 33/10

Analysis:
The Market will go up when the Lions win the Super Bowl. The outcome of the game?… if I had that answer I wouldn’t be in this position.

My pick: Arizona wins, Market Down

H)
Super Bowl XLIII – What will be the result of the Super Bowl XLIII Coin Toss?
Wager is on the opening coin toss.
Heads (Coin Toss) -105

Tails (Coin Toss) -105

Analysis:
My high school stats teacher is rolling around in his proverbial grave. He’s alive, but the subject matter of statistics is about as dead to me (and clearly these odds makers) as Latin. Clearly it’s tails like… 76% of the time. The other 24% can be blamed on Steve Bartman.

My Pick: Tails

I)
Super Bowl XLIII – Who will be tackled by his hair first in the game?
Troy Polamalu +400
Larry Fitzgerald -600

Larry Fitzgerald could shave his head and still be more likely to be tackled by his hair (dirty imagination time). To those of you non-football fans, Troy Polamulu is a defensive player and hence will not be in possession of the ball lest he intercepts it. Larry Fitzgerald on the other hand is one of the best wide receivers to play in the Super Bowl (offensive player). Although both players may “rock” the shaggy look, only one will be carrying the rock.

My pick: Larry Fitzgerald.

Answers:

Crap: B, F
Fact: A, C, D, E, G, H, I

©Wagers courtesy of www.newbodog.com

You can see and upload your own pictures to the ASCMC photo gallery (see the box on the right side of this page).

Over 700 CMCers went to the Ludacris concert last night.  Whether you like Ludacris or not (he might not be universally popular, but who is?), everyone seems to agree– we need to host more concerts and events like that.  Whether it’s bringing in rappers, rock groups, comedians, or other performers.  We should do it.

A minor constraint is money.  But even if we don’t reach our ticket sales goals, we can safely afford to throw at least four concerts a year like the one last night without the risk of significantly hurting ASCMC’s budget.  Even better, if we meet our goals, we can use profits from concerts on other student activities like trips, clubs, parties, and things we normally spend student fees on.

Anyway, we’re talking to some people at Pomona to see if we can pool resources ($$$) to get some more big names.  If there are 1,100 students at CMC, 1,700 at Pomona, and Bridges Auditorium seats over 3,000 people, there’s no reason we can’t pack it (an outdoor concert isn’t really an option because we are in a residential community– the police had to shut down the E-40 concert earlier this year).

Speak up if you want to help out or have ideas for the coming months and semesters.

More to come on this…

Buy your books through our sponsors and ASCMC will earn 8% commission on everything you buy.  ASCMC uses these funds to pay for parties, concerts, campus organizations, trips off campus, and other services for students.

1. Go to Huntley Bookstore’s website and find out what books are required for your classes. If you aren’t sure what section or courses you are in, you can check at the CMC portal.
2. Buy whatever books and other products through our Amazon.com or Half.com links. We get commission on any sales– whether for new computer speakers,  used books, or fabric softener.
3. Place your order and pick it up from Story House when you get back to campus.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second–3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them: Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance—this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters much, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

Merry Christmas!

And Happy Holidays from all of us at The Forum! Safe travels everyone…