Those of you who know me know that I am obsessed, likely to an unhealthy degree, with all things politics. I love the ephemera most of all. Sure we could have a substantive policy discussion about the relative virtues of the Senate and House versions of the Child Nutrition reauthorization bill, the merits and scope of ‘doc-fix,’ or the finer points of PEPFAR…but Viagra jokes and dorky white guys are just more fun.

Now, I do not claim that this is an exhaustive list of Congressional foibles, but they made me laugh.

This being my second summer in DC I thought I would take this opportunity to share with you some of  gems spewed forth by certain members of Congress. Often times Washington is criticized as “Hollywood for ugly people,” well CMC it’s time for you to meet some of the starlets. Let’s take a gander at what the series of tubes has offered us as of late.

Hank Johnson (D-Crazytown): As you will soon see, it’s not a good idea for Rep. Johnson’s staff to let him go off-script. It is, however, fantastic for everyone else when he does.

The Congressman has a knack for asking the questions that no one else has thought to ask, like will Guam tip over if we built a Navy base there…seriously, he asked that.

Ok, but everyone asks a weird question once in a while, right? Don’t you dare underestimate Hank.

Here’s Hank Johnson wondering if his microphone might need some encouragement to stay up. (Yeah, it’s a dick joke)

Here’s Hank Johnson musing about the virtues of our civil justice system. For example, “if you want to know…how many times your neighbor has beat his wife” you can find that at the courthouse… truly strange and well worth the 6 minutes of your time.

Steve Cohen (D – Funkytown): Now as you all know, Jews are world renowned for our dancing abilities. Whether it be getting up on a roof, or throwing people out of chairs, my people know how to get down. That’s why it was so disapointing to see this video of Rep. Steve Cohen. Cohen represents Tennessee’s 9th Congressional District which is almost 60% black (look, a fact!) and so Steve Cohen must be ever vigilant in his quest to show that he is ‘down’ with the people; this man knows how to boogie.

This is why Jews (sorry Matisyahu and Eric Scott) shouldn’t rap. Sweat drenched polo shirt and dockers, blackberry on his hip, this fella is hood.

Yes, there’s more…

Bob Etheridge (D – Smackdown): You might be a redneck if you get suddenly violent when college-age video trackers ask you if you “support the Obama agenda”?

Rep. Etheridge, proof that steroids can ruin any sport…

Congressional Black Caucus (Ethics Watchdogs): The Congressional Black Caucus has picked a fight, locked in their sight is the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE). Who is leading this valiant effort? Rep. Marcia Fudge. What possible motive could Fudge have to pick this particular fight? Well, her Chief of Staff  Dawn Kelly Mobley was admonished by the House Ethics Committee for counseling an outside group on how to circumvent House disclosure requirements.

So these members might have a gripe, what’s the funny part? Well, one of the co-sponsors is Rep. Alcee Hastings. That name familiar? Well it should be Alcee Hastings, while serving as a federal judge, was impeached by the House and removed from office. One of only 6 judges in US history to be impeached and removed from office. Wow.

Other CBC members who have been investigated by OCE, the Ethics Committee, or the Department of Justice include: Reps. Rangel, Jefferson, Thompson, Clarke, Payne, Kilpatrick, Christensen, Hastings, Jackson Jr., Watt, and Senator Burris.

Alright, now before I get a series of angry comments pointing out that both parties are guilty of ethical lapses, I grant your point….

But seriously folks, Alcee Hastings talking about ethics is like:

• (a) Michael Jackson talking about child care
• (b) Osama bin Laden practicing non-violent protest
• (c) Dora smiling
• (d) John Edwards not being scum of the earth
• (e) all of the above

Take your pick, CMC.

Twilight:

Summary: Angst-ridden teen Bella loves Cedric Diggory but she also loves a tan, pig-nosed beefcake.  Dilemma! Practice looking forlorn, young Stewart, you are trying to sell celibacy to a generation where sex is so ubiquitous, there are PSAs about sexting!

You’ll buy the books if: You are a self-hating womyn. This not-so-subtle attempt at Mormon propaganda is unbelievably misogynist considering it was written by someone named Stephanie. Beyond that, it is just embarrassing how bad the writing is and how pathetic the plot devices are. The combination leads to weird situations such as Cedric/Edward deciding that Bella should not be allowed to drive her own car because it is not safe. And in all honesty, women are not really genetically capable learning science — plus voting is so passé — why bother? Phyllis Schlafly clearly ghost-wrote this drek.

You’ll like the movies if: You find Frankenstein attractive and Dakota Fanning engaging, and the verb “to dazzle” does not make you gag impulsively.

Final thoughts: If you enjoy the American Empire, ignore this trash. It you desperately pray for the End of Days, the popularity of this franchise bodes well for you!

True Blood:

Summary: In the show, vampires have “come out of the closet,” as it were, revealing themselves to humanity. They are now trying to integrate into mainstream society…this is the backdrop to the antics and adventures of psychic Sookie Stackhouse, her vampire boyfriend Bill Compton, and a whole host of Southern eccentrics who would make Tennessee Williams’ curse his lack of imagination. There are also maenads, werewolves, and rock-hard naked bodies (Bon Temps has one hell of a gym!) It’s HBO, so celibacy is far from encouraged.

You’ll like the books if: everything I’ve just said strikes you as blasé. The show’s inspiration – The Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris — seems even crazier than the show. Exhibit A: the books feature twin fairy supermodels, and the guy is a fairy in both senses of the word. This could bode well for a beach read, BUT it is tough to say. I was recently on a flight and the woman next to me was reading one of them and she said it was really good. She also was flipping through a People magazine and eating DunkAroos . Where do you even get DunkAroos anymore? Has she been hording them since 1996? The whole thing seemed suspect.

You’ll like the television show if: You know you are settling in for an hour of trashy fun that does not entirely require you to check your brain at the door.

Final thoughts: This is my favorite show on television right now, and I have great taste (Death Becomes Her, hello!) so you will definitely love it too.

The Gates:

Summary: ABC, trying to cash in on this hip, supernatural trend quickly rolled out some show about a gated community with a new sheriff. Unbeknownst to the handsome lawman, his plucky wife and lovely children, this community if populated with—wait for it!—VAMPIRES, witches, and even a football star/werewolf. Not only are these gated-community folks supernatural, but many of them also are former lingerie and Abercrombie and Fitch models, so it will absolutely remind you of your high school experience. Who says Hollywood cannot come up with anything original anymore?

You’ll like it if: You are still watching “Desperate Housewives,” but you could change to Boondocks (they are black but is Japanimation and there’s also biting social commentary?!) Also, if your remote control is broken.

Final Thoughts: I was embarrassingly excited to watch the premier episode and was quite disappointed. So disappointed, I promptly when and rented Interview with the Vampire to clean my pallet. Go rent that. It has Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, Tom Cruise (forget that one) and a young Kirsten Dunst. Remember her? Remember when she was going to be somebody? She was such a good Marie Antoinette in that really long music video the baby from the Godfather directed. Go rent this movie, buy a bottle of Chianti, think about what Kirsten Dunst could have been and forget all about that weird ABC show that will probably be cancelled by the third episode.

Rejoice! For we have achieved a great victory, possibly the greatest, milestone of our species. This past week, one of our own, Christina Hendricks, was listed as “the hottest woman ever” by Esquire Magazine.

Christina Hendricks, famous for her portrayal of Joan Holloway in Mad Men, is the hottest woman ever, according to Esquire.

This is a breakthrough of the highest sort and an important step on our path to full civil rights for our people. (To be fair, she is a fake ginger, having dyed her hair since the age of ten, but we will take it!)

Sure enough, it hasn’t been easy for us. We have had precious few role models. Indeed, ask yourself, when was the last time you saw one of us positively depicted. Carrot Top? Chuckie Finster? Ron Weasley? Groundskeeper Willie?

None of these rise to the level of a power role model on par with Ms. Hendricks, but even she is depicted as the buxom, Joan Holloway, the conniving, manipulative office harlot on Mad Men.

Indeed, the greatest show on television depicted our people most recently as terrorists. Sure, it’s fine to libel an entire people soulless, but insult the prophet, and Comedy Central will censor the show. Trey Parker and Matt Stone set our people back 50 years.

This depiction is why we are thought to have no soul. Now, this was elegantly rebutted in a recent viral YouTube video, but it shouldn’t distract us from the cause: the establishment of a separate ginger center on campus where we can stay in a safe space where no one will call us soulless. Which ginger has not been asked if the carpet matches the drapes? If the toppings match the furbelow?

We have long been a marginalized people. You know what it’s like. You see a fellow ginger and you give the nod of shared oppression. You know that our women are desired and thought to be sex freaks; our men thought weak due to freckledom. We must unite now so that we can keep our numbers stronger.

Of course, to guarantee that we have adequate numbers of red heads on campus, we must have preferential treatment.

Simpsons character Groundskeeper Willie: angry, poor, and ginger.

If South Park episodes alone weren’t enough to justify preferential treatment for gingers, allow me to point out several facts:

• We were burned at the stake for being witches. Nothing tops that.
• The Nazis debated whether redheads should be allowed to marry, lest their degenerate offspring hurt the gene pool.
• Others have been forced from their homes, stabbed, beat up, made fun of at Christmastime, or sexually harassed in the workplace.

For these reasons, we must have a support center and a mentor program. It’s just so hard living in multi-haired community.

True, it may not seem as if we need it. After all, some of mankind’s most famous and influential people have been gingers or daywalkers. I refer, of course, to Sir Winston Churchill, Vladimir Lenin, Galileo Galilei, Mark Twain, James Joyce, Calvin Coolidge, Vincent Van Gogh, Thomas Jefferson, Emily Dickinson, Oliver Cromwell, Napoleon Bonaparte, L. Ron Hubbard, Margaret Sanger, Judas Iscariot, and of course, Squeaky Fromme. Truthfully, we control the world.

Several years ago, Rose Haig engaged in ginger-baiting when she ran for Pomona’s Student Body president. Her slogan? “Red Heads Are Feisty.” I confess to having engaged in a little bit of this ginger-baiting  myself during my campaign speech and some have even questioned my loyalty to the cause for dating Asian women. (Asians, reportedly, also do not have souls, so it works out.)

And so we are. Our toughness comes from years of teasing and an above normal tolerance for pain. In point of fact, researchers at the University of Louisville discovered that, on average, people born with red hair require about 20 percent more anesthesia to be properly sedated. That tolerance for pain is what has kept us strong these years, as we move forward towards our eventual goal of a separate ginger country.

Until that day comes, fair redheads, take a page from one of our greats, Sir Winston Churchill, and “never, never, never surrender.”

In an exclusive interview, Dean Huang cited CMC’s high ranking on Princeton Review’s “Happiest Students” list as a major factor in the decision. Huang went on to say that, “frankly, this is embarrassing to the school. College is not just a place to be happy. Students should be studying on their birthdays.”

Another factor in the cancellation was the Dean’s growing worry that the practice of throwing students into a fountain was too “costly to students.” Story House has been known to charge hundreds of dollars to watch water splashed on the ground dry after CMC students failed to dry it themselves. Meanwhile, safety concerns have arisen because of an influx of townies at the fountains who often attempt to pond CMS football players.

Recently, DOS has been criticized for its willingness to eliminate long standing CMC traditions. “We understand that ponding people on their birthday is a tradition,” Spellman noted in her most recent email, “But CMC students can still pond their friends on their birthdays — just not in fountains — or without registering the waterless ponding two weeks beforehand.”

This year saw the popular loss of the Madrigal Feast, a temporary cancellation of TNC, and the creation of a short-lived Facebook fan club over the future of the Thesis Fountain Party. Experts predict Spellman’s next move may be to implement a Sleeves-Mandatory dress code in North Quad, as she did at Sarah Lawrence.

Brad Johnston, struck by a sudden revelation, realized that this was the way that the Lord intended it to be. Johnston, who foolishly had believed that the plan was for his plane to arrive on time for him to catch his connection and start his three-day weekend skiing in the Rockies, became aware that destiny had other arrangements. He started the day with Delta’s flight plan and ended up with the Lord’s itinerary instead.

“I never realized or appreciate that everything DOES happen for a reason and the Lord works in mysterious ways,” Johnston remarked. “But once I figured it out, the signs were everywhere.” As Johnston walked off his plane, which arrived nearly two hours late because the first mate was unable to make it to the airport in time, he was initially disgusted and angry. He talked to the airline workers assigned to find him a hotel room for the night, silently cursing the pilot who had brought him here and delayed him from spending time with his family.

“I’m sure glad I held my tongue, because right after I left the counter, that’s when the magic happened,” Johnston beamed. As he walked towards the baggage claim, he decided to stop in the bathroom, an experience he vows never to forget. “I was minding my own business,” Johnston describes, “when I saw the Virgin Mary’s outline in the stray paper towels scattered around an overflowing trash bin.” Johnston added that the image also had a halo formed by a stray urinal cake and the sight completely turned around his night, maybe his life.

“I really think that God’s will brought me here and to Salt Lake City in particular,” Johnston noted. Salt Lake City, with its infamous restrictions on alcohol and famous lack of anything actually fun to do, is the city of the chosen people and offers very few tourist stops outside of Mormon temples and historical sites. “What else was I going to do other than check out this God stuff?” Johnston chuckled.

Unsure if he was going to be able to secure a flight the next day, Johnston wouldn’t be upset if he got to stick around a little longer. Johnston doesn’t even know if he’d take a seat if he’s offered by another passenger. “Before, all I could think of was being through all this travel stuff and arriving at our vacation house,” Johnston said. “But I realized that God made that pilot late for work so that I could see his divine plan. The journey really is the destination in this crazy life of ours, who cares if the journey takes an unnecessarily long time? Plus, the hotel room they put me up in is really nice for a airport hotel.”

Johnston hopes that his new found relationship with the Lord doesn’t end here. “It’d be really cool if God would stick around,” Johnston ponders. “The next time I’m in an insanely long line at the bank, watching senseless acts of violence and destruction on the news, or stuck in rush hour traffic, I’ll know that I’m just acting out part of God’s plan and play my role with a smile on my face.” To Johnston, traffic is no longer an inconvenience, but some kind of cosmic ballet eloquently orchestrated from up above.

In the end, Johnston can only smile and know that it was all worthwhile. “All these years, I had no idea what God was or what role he played in my life,” he somberly considers. “But now, I’m just thrilled to be a part of it all and I’m glad God is focusing on this kind of stuff and not remedying horrible injustices or stopping evil atrocities from occurring in other parts of the globe.” For one traveler, the Lord’s ways aren’t so mysterious anymore.

Alumni tell me CMC has prepared me well for the journey, but have I really learned much since the 5th grade?  I have some plans, but I’ve never been more unsure of where I’ll be in five years.

Despite my personal confusion, I think I have a pretty good idea of where Claremont McKenna will be in five years. There are a lot of good “Decade in Review” articles and posts around the web lately, but I say those are written by people like Kevin Burke who can’t see into the future. Here’s what’s going to happen at CMC in the next decade.

2010:

• CMC amends the science GE requirements to allow computer science courses as an alternative option.
• The music video “That’s So North Quad” drops and takes the school by storm (just wait).
• I graduate.

2011:

• The Kravis Center opens.
• In his final act of bravery before graduation, the ASCMC Social Activities Chair will throw the largest CMC party ever in the middle of North Quad. There will be strippers, midgets, fifths, handcuffs, clowns on stilts, clowns on goats, Kanye West, and a 40-foot crane hanging a roasting pig over a spit. Epic. The next morning, a townie tied to a chair, gagged and missing his two front teeth, will wake up in the Appleby laundry room. Nobody will know how he got there. A Claremont McKenna water polo player will find the missing teeth days later at the bottom of the CMS pool. The townie will sue CMC for a few milli. In response and retaliation, the administration will cancel all ASCMC parties for the following three weeks.

2012:

• CMC announces a plan to tear down Ducey Gym and build a new gym in the “pit” across Claremont Boulevard. They have been doing this annually for years, but this time they “mean it.”

2013:

• The company that owns the College Park Apartments tries to found the sixth “Claremont” college, Upland College. The Consortium decides not to admit the school, so the company founds their own consortium — The Upland Colleges.  Holla.  The Upland Colleges will become renowned for their strict alcohol policies, degree in ergonomics, and loose women.

2014:

• An ambitious CMCer will hear about this thing called Claremont Confessions. “Sounds cool,” he says, so he brings it back. This time the site implements an anonymous video and hidden camera feature. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.
• Chipotle adds a store to the Claremont village. In-N-Out Burger takes over for Bon Appetit at the Hub.

2015:

• A few weeks ago I said to President Gann, “Tear down whatever buildings you want and rebuild them, but don’t try to tear down North Quad.”  She laughed.  ”That’s what everyone tells me!” she said.  In 2015, she draws up plans to tear down North Quad as part of what she dubs “Ganny-Gann’s Masta Plan.”

2016:

• Facebook groups remain a vehicle to achieving powerful institutional change.  President Gann mysteriously retires following the creation of the Facebook group, “WE LOVE YOU NORTH QUAD – DON’T LEAVE CMC!” The Board of Trustees hires an Economics Professor (finally!), Brock Blomberg, to take her place.  The plans to tear down North Quad are dropped.
• ASCMC gets audited by the Internal Revenue Service. Uh oh. As the ASCMC CFO shreds files associated with line items for “Tropical Lei Expense,” “Cigars for Meetings,” and “Income from Extraordinary Sources,” a CMC alumnus who was appointed head of the IRS in 2015 calls off the audit.

2017:

• Newly appointed Athenaeum Director Ward Elliot reinstates the Madrigals tradition as his first order of business. The wassail will flow once again.

2018:

• Moose Halpern (CMC ’10), running on a campaign of “What up, chief?” is elected the youngest US Senator in California history.
• Scripps goes coed and quickly becomes the most competitive 5C school to get into. Mudders will cry. The Motley will stop serving “feminista” coffee.

2019:

• Henry Kravis bequeaths a large amount of cash money to CMC under the condition that we buy, restructure, and annex Pitzer with it, renaming the school “Claremont McKravis College” (see image).
• CMC will have the largest liberal arts college endowment in the world.

________________

I can’t predict what will happen beyond 2019 — CMC might open a water park in Montclair, the senior class might take over the Children’s School playground, the consortium might kick out Pomona College — only time will tell.  Who knows what’s coming?

Men, we have arrived. The detestable epoch of familial drivel and good natured warmth towards all of humanity has finally ended. With a boom and echo of the real projectiles that brought us glory and honor in the past, New Year’s fireworks are the harbinger of deliverance from the holiday season. No longer shall we remain in thrall to the threateningly wielded rolling-pins of matriarchs who force us to help in the production of Yuletide sugary confection. The sticky-sweet grenadine buzzing of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” has now been drowned out in the feral roar of barbarian debauchery that was New Year’s Eve. Now is our time! Now, is the hallowed month of MANUARY!

We are prepared, having adhered to the sacred commandment of Decembeard (and for the less hirsute of us, also to the noble dedications of No-shave November) to break the manacles of domestic frivolity in which the holidays bind us. Let us charge, as a single brawny phalanx, into the coming year. Manuary has long been the time for great deeds such as this. Never shall we forget the glorious march of the Alamanni in Manuary of 366 across the frozen Rhine, enduring wicked frost-bite and yet still bringing many sandal-wearing Romans to their pudgy knees. Nor will we lapse in honoring the exploits of Manuary 1777, when George Washington defeated General Cornwallis at the Battle of Princeton in the boldest strike against tea-drinking sissydom ever struck up until the end of the Raj. The list of Mantastic occurrences goes on and on: the British took the Falklands in Manuary of 1822, Al Capone was born, as was General Douglas “Nuke China” MacArthur. In what month do you think the rugged, flannel-clad state of Alaska joined the Union? It sure as hell wasn’t April.

I remind you, men, of our noble heritage for good reason. The plebian masses limp into January as if it were the dread Monday of an entire year, blinking off their hangovers in the light of a new month and clutching their resolutions like cardboard shields against the tide of reality. Such is not our way. Men (and any women who wish to join us knowing that no allowances will be made in the costume requirements), enormous spiky clubs in hand, shall bludgeon this year into a malleable chunk to be shaped by our iron will. A foolish poet once wrote, roughly, “let us rush out and seize the day.” To this I reply, “let us saunter out in a relaxed but intimidating fashion and seize ALL of the remaining 365.” And when Manuary is over we may shave, but only because the beards inhibit the consumption of the libations that come with the onset of FeBrewuary.

The Peeker

It’s 1:30 AM. She’s just checking in to see what you’re up to. Want to go to In-n-Out? No? Ok…. Breakfast at ten? … Oh! Hey again. Just seeing who is on the toilet. I’ll be in my room.

The DJ

Has surround sound. Loves to throw DPs. Told you last year your Kings of Leon was “emo shit” until she heard it on MTV this week. Thinks it is okay to crank that Soulja Boy at 2am on Wednesday. Oh, and she actually believes she discovered Vampire Weekend.

The Wildcard

Tuesday night you went to the reading room with him. Mild mannered. Might get straight A’s. But last Saturday night you found him in the Ath courtyard holding two Scrippsies hostage with a megaphone, no underwear, and a takeout container full of vomit/churros.

The Miracle Student

Is always down for Pub. No regular sleep schedule that you can discern. You’ve never had a class with him and you’re pretty sure he doesn’t even own a copy of Microsoft Word.

The Moocher

He’ll hit you back, can you just pick up a thirty rack? He is going to the ATM tomorrow anyways. Also, you are worried he might be using your electric shaver…and not on his face.

The Relationship Kid

Maybe she has been dating “The One” since 11th grade. Maybe she has a new “one” every week. You don’t even bother sleeping on a friend’s couch anymore. Your double is pretty much a triple. Basically, the rule is “as long as you don’t wake me up…”

The Stranger

No one is really sure how she ended up in the suite. Maybe she had a good room-draw number. Or maybe, she was your friend’s freshman roommate and they never had that awkward conversation. When you tell your friends, “I’m going to dinner with my suite-mates, Sarah, Emily, and Anne,” they respond, “Wait, who is Anne?”

The Diva

He moisturizes. You can’t pronounce the name of his shampoo. You couldn’t even guess the thread count on his towel, let alone his bathrobe. Gets more face-time with the mirror than The Wildcard gets with the toilet.

Lesser Archetypes: The Naked Kid, The Absentee, The Slob, The Neatfreak, The Host, The Rich One, The Cheapskate, The Fighter, The Easy One, The Prude, The Planner, The Puker, The Driver, The Hermit, The Whiner, The Instigator.

Feel free to post your own.

Top 20 things I would buy if I were President Gann* and had a boatload of money (in order of importance):

1. A new athletics/recreation center to replace Ducey.  Easily the most important thing for CMC right now.
2. A computer science professor (or two).  We only have one now.
3. A new website
4. More “networking” trips during breaks like the ITAB (Silicon Valley) and FEI (NYC) trips.  Both were some of the best learning experiences I’ve had in the past four years.
5. Renovations and furniture for the Hub
6. Renovations and furniture for the computer labs (better furniture, more screens, etc… check out the Mudd/Pomona labs and you’ll see what we’re missing)
7. Renovations and furniture for the Reading Room
   (Onto the frivolous purchases…)
8. Giant plasma screens and speakers all over campus broadcasting the same thing at all times
9. An elaborate mini-golf course between Boswell and Green
10. An outdoor pool for non-athletic use (Scripps is too far and has inconvenient hours for men)
11. A large outdoor hot tub at the Senior Apartments.  (Important: cleaned and sanitized daily, at least.)
12. A bronze statue of Donald McKenna outside Collins Dining Hall.  Oxidized to look old and grand.
13. A gold statue of Henry Kravis outside the Kravis Center.  Polished daily to look new and expensive.
14. Scripps College (just the students, the Motley, and the dining hall.  They can keep the other stuff.)
15. A lazy river from Kravis Center to Bauer Center.  (Important: shut off and emptied on Thursday and Saturday nights.)
16. High speed train from Claremont Boulevard to the top of Mt. Baldy
17. Chairlift (gondola?) from South Quad to North Quad
18. Pitzer College (KKR leveraged buyout style)
19. The Mudd Hole
20. Loanable go-karts (with front-mounted video cameras)

Other changes would include abolishing senior thesis, most GEs, and demolishing McKenna Auditorium and Ducey Gym.

*Henry Kravis, Robert Day, or any other super rich donor would do

Disagree? Did I forget something? Leave it in the comments.